


'Are Those Free?'

by TheBeautifulLove



Category: GOT7, K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Caring but slightly cold Jinyoung, Eventual Romance, M/M, Sensitive issues discussed throughout, Serious Jinyoung, Shop Assistant Yugyeom, Slow Burn, innocent yugyeom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-07-10 17:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15953825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBeautifulLove/pseuds/TheBeautifulLove
Summary: Just another day at work, I thought.Just another customer I might never see again, I thought.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! :)  
> This is the long story I mentioned in my other Jingyeom fic collection if anyone has read it. I'm bad at titles and descriptions but I feel the story is truly good so I hope you enjoy it! :) I think it'll be my longest work as it's 27,000 words at this moment and I'm not near finished so yeah. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are beautiful and very appreciated! Thank you! xx

I tie the ugly apron around my waist this morning just like I have been doing every morning for the last couple of days. Maybe I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that my life hit such low point of having to work part-time in a supermarket to survive but I still think the mossy green of the apron is definitely not my colour.

I stand behind the counter, blinking a couple of times to get rid of the sleepy tiredness from my eyes. I sigh watching the manager walk to the front of the store to open the entry door for the customers. I don’t expect anyone to come in so early though. From the little experience I’ve gained, I learned there is usually some free time to yawn countlessly and lean heavily on the wooden counter before the first customers appear.

It’s a bit of a surprise when a dark-haired young male comes in as soon as the door opens. He looks at his watch briefly. ‘Open on time, that’s a good start.’ I overhear him say to Mr Yoon, the store owner who in return just bows slightly, clearly confused.

I stand straighter and dust off my apron when the owner glances briefly my way to check that I’m ready for the customer since so early in the morning I’m the only one on the cash registers. Subconsciously straightening my clothes to look a little more professional is a habit I’ve developed recently. Mr Yoon is not the nicest man but he has all the power here and I can’t lose this job. I can’t afford to get on his nerves any more than I already have done after what I call in my head the ‘ _Canned Tuna Accident’_ from two days ago.

It was horrifying, tin cans were everywhere, rolling slowly on the floor at my feet and Mr Yoon’s face was redder than the fresh tomatoes delivered to the fruit and veg section that morning. I shudder at the memory. If I had the money to pay for rent this month or the nerve to ask my parents for some, I would have run and never shown my face in the store again. Yet, knowing there is only maybe 80,000 won in my wallet at best and remembering my self-promise to manage my own expenses from now on, I apologized profusely and started to clean up straight away before he could fire me.

He gave me one more chance but since then I felt his watchful stare on me even more than before. He had this scary habit of silently popping out of nowhere, scaring me to death. So now, I’m always intuitively watching out for any noise that sounds even remotely like him or a shadow that looks vaguely like him.

‘Are those free?’ I jump slightly at the voice and shift my gaze from the door behind which the owner has just disappeared, to the customer before me.

Since the store opened this morning, two more people came in but my eyes meet with those of the dark-haired man who came in first. I stare for a second too long at his face for two reasons. First, he’s quite handsome from up close, he seems perfect really. The longer I look, the more sculpture-like his features seem. Second, the way he’s gazing at me has some strange feel to it; it’s weirdly authoritative, serious. I instinctively straighten up my whole posture.

I open my mouth to reply but all I know for sure is that he just asked me a question. Everything else in my mind is a blank page. ‘Could you repeat that, sir? I’m sorry but it’s so early, my brain is still not working properly.’ I mumble a feeble excuse biting my top lip a little, nervously.

He smiles weakly at me, such tiny movement of his mouth that it probably classifies more as a smirk rather than a smile. ‘I was asking if those are free?’ He points at the luxury white truffle and saffron oil bread sticks on display by the register.

Memories of the manager explaining that the freshly baked goods are placed right here so that customers can purchase them spontaneously at the checkout, while employees should use their charms to sell them since they’re very expensive, flashes in my mind but it’s too fast for my mouth to catch the message and pass it on to the man before me. In a strange, sudden burst of panic, I blurt out without thinking.

‘Yes. It’s free.’ I even lift the glass lid off for him. His piercing eyes finally leave my face, attention momentarily moved to the bread sticks and I breathe a little deeper.

He takes two and this time he really smiles. This time it can be safely classified as a smile, beautifully unambiguous. ‘Ah, great.’

When he happily and incredibly gracefully enjoys his free snacks, I scan his items clumsily and put them into the plastic, green bags wondering briefly what the hell am I even doing.

Why did I tell him those ridiculously expensive things were free?

He pays for his shopping when I shyly spit out the due amount hoping my cheeks are not too visibly red.

‘Thank you for shopping at our store. Please visit again soon.’ I recite, masking my worries with a small smile, playing nervously with the corner of my apron.

The man takes his shopping after swallowing the last bit of the food in his mouth and he smirks. ‘Thanks…’ His eyes travel down from my eyes to the small name tag on my chest. ‘Yugyeom.’

Giving me one last glance, he walks out the store.

As soon as the door closes behind him, I release a long breath, taking a careful look around to see if I’m not being watched by Mr Yoon again and when I don’t see his annoying face anywhere, I lean down and hit my forehead lightly on the cold surface of the counter in frustration.

***

At the end of the day, I still don’t understand what happened to me this morning. Normally, I have no problem telling people about the food near the registers being expensive and telling the exact prices but that man just made my brain melt for a second. I hope he’s not a regular customer and I won’t see him here again to embarrass myself again and again.

With a heavy heart I press the correct numbers on the screen showing that two bread sticks have been purchased and search my wallet for money that I now need to put into the cash register so that everything is right and I won’t be fired for giving free food to people. I take out 20,000 won regretfully and quickly put them in the right place closing everything for the day.

I was saving the money to buy a pizza on the way home but it looks like it’s going to have to be kimbab tonight again. I sigh, counting the change in my wallet and calculating whether it’s enough for the days until my first payment but I’m not good at maths or at organising anything so after a while I just put the wallet back in my jeans pocket and hope it’ll be all okay somehow.

‘Sold a lot today, kid?’ Mr Yoon comes out of nowhere as usual and I press my hand flat to my chest, startled.

‘Um, yes. Quite a lot of customers today, sir.’ I answer stiffly.

‘Good.’ He gives me what I can only describe as a measuring gaze but doesn’t say whatever else is evidently on his mind. I already got used to the fact he hates me so it’s nothing new really.

‘Can I ask about something, Yoon-ssi?’

He nods, brows knitted, waiting for me to continue.

‘Wouldn’t it be better to put prices on the food sold near the registers? People constantly ask how much it is and if it’s free. I think it would save time if they know how much it is without asking…’ I suggest but with my every word his expression grows darker.

‘I’ve explained this before, you slow child. It’s a selling strategy. When they ask for the price, it’s your cue to convince them to buy it. Is that so hard to understand? Am I speaking in a foreign language?’

‘No, I understand. Of course, sir.’ I give up on the matter and he walks away angrily, mumbling something about idiots in his otherwise wonderful shop.

I close my eyes rubbing at my temples for a moment. I grab my jacket quickly, ready to just go home and sleep.

‘How was it today, Yugyeom?’ I look up at my colleague Youngjae who is also putting on his jacket, ready to leave.

‘Better than two days ago but worse than yesterday…’ I look down to the floor.

‘Don’t worry, you get used to it. I know how it feels but trust me it gets better.’

‘Thank you, hyung.’ I smile walking beside him to the exit. He’s also a part-time student, part-time worker at the supermarket so I do trust he knows how it feels when he says so.

When I get home, I take a hot shower, make myself a cup of green tea to calm my nerves and eat my single kimbab roll I bought from the friendly uncle at the convenience store near the apartment complex where I’m renting my room. I sit cross-legged on the floor, chewing slowly, my eyes aching and closing on their own, without my control.

Only as I’m finishing my food, I notice the stack of articles on my bed that I need to read for tomorrow’s lecture. I groan and run a hand through my hair. The remaining tea in my mug gets emptied into the sink and in its place, I put two spoons of instant coffee.

Waiting for the water to boil I try to keep my eyes open, preparing myself mentally for reading long texts that probably won’t make much sense this late anyway, until the early morning hours.

It’s going to be a long night. 


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saving me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters for a good start. I'll try to update regularly but can't promise.  
> Love you all xx

I drag myself to the store two days later for my next shift. Kind of hungry, kind of angry and positively exhausted. I try not to yawn too much but I can’t help myself. Also, the smell of freshly baked breads and the fresh fruit on display in the store is so appealing, it makes my stomach rumble.

I’m heading to my usual cash register when one of the workers higher in charge stops me halfway there.

‘Ah, Yugyeom-ah! You’re stocking the shelves all day today. There is a lot of stuff to be unpacked and expired products to be taken to the bins at the back.’ He hands me a piece of paper. ‘Here’s a list of what you need to do.’

When he walks away rushing somewhere else I look at the endless list and a cold shiver runs down my spine. Last time I was stocking the shelves, the dreaded ‘ _Canned Tuna Accident’_ happened. Please, God help me, I pray silently.

‘Hi, Yugyeomie.’ Youngjae’s voice greets me suddenly, his bright smile waking me up a little more than the sun did this morning. ‘I heard you’re doing shelves today.’

‘Hi, hyung. Yeah… unfortunately.’ I sigh.

‘Are you okay? You look pale. Did you not sleep well?’ The concern is clear on his face.

‘I’m always pale.’ I try to joke but it doesn’t reassure Youngjae at all. ‘I had to study a lot recently, sacrificing sleep and I haven’t eaten yet today as I overslept a bit this morning.’ I place a bet on honesty, unable to lie to the boy in front of me. ‘I’ll be fine, don’t worry hyung.’

‘Yugyeom…’ he doesn’t look pleased, placing his hands on his hips like my mum always did when I was younger. ‘Wait a second here.’

Before I can ask about anything the blonde boy runs off towards the staff lockers. When he comes back a minute later, he carries a brown paper back and an orange bottle.

‘Eat.’ He simply orders at my questioning expression.

‘Hyung, it’s your food, I can’t…’

‘It’s not exactly mine. Well, it is but… The delivery boy from the bakery gave it to me.’ The older boy blushes a little. ‘The dark-haired one with wide shoulders. I don’t know his name.’

‘Oh, Jaebum-ssi?’

‘You know him? How?’ Youngjae asks surprised.

I recall the time I painfully bumped into the delivery man in the back hall and heard someone call out to him by his name, asking him not to hurt the new employee on his first day in a joking tone.

‘I just heard someone call him that. I’m not sure but he matches your description.’

‘Ah…’ the boy stares off into distance, clearly lost in thought.

‘Why are you not eating it if he gave it to you?’ I ask curiously. He looks back at me and shoves the food into my hands.

‘Well, he brings it every time he’s here and they’re delicious, really, but my hips are wide enough already, I can’t keep on just eating them mindlessly.’ He shakes his head, a rare serious look on his face. ‘And you need to eat – you are basically just bones and skin. Those big trolleys are heavy too, you need your strength.’

I give in and bite into the sweet, fluffy bun with delight, stuffing the bottle of orange juice into my jeans pocket for later. ‘Thank you, hyung.’ I try to say coherently which proves difficult with my mouth full.

‘I have to go.’ Youngjae states regretfully after a short while. We both look to the front entry when there’s a familiar clicking sound of a lock being opened and Mr Yoon is there as expected with his hundreds of noisy keys. ‘Find me at lunch, I brought some home-made food we can share. Now run before the crazy bastard sees you standing here, doing nothing.’

I nod frantically, watching the older walk away and quickly putting the rest of the food into my mouth. I head for the back hall, scrunched piece of paper in my hand.

***

It’s going well today thankfully, only two hours before I’m finished for today. I’ve been glancing at the clock on the wall repeatedly, hoping for time to hurry. My arms and back hurt so much but still, I try to adjust the hated green apron, standing in front of the shelf which displays various types of rice. I re-tie the long, green strings, that became loose with moving around so much, behind my back tighter.

I look around and seeing no one I take a moment to lean against the hard shelf and close my eyes, breathing deeply. My head hurts too. Everything hurts when I think about it. Maybe I’ve been fooling myself all this time thinking I can do both studying and working at the same time.

I get back to work with a long exhale. I’ve put myself in this situation, I must get through it.

‘Which pasta-’

The customer doesn’t get to finish their question when I jump at the sudden sound of their voice. I drop the pack of rice I was holding which I watch in horror, lands on the floor. The packaging rips, white rice exploding everywhere. As if some stupid fate decided it wasn’t enough, stepping back in shock I accidently bump into the person standing behind me who I swear wasn’t there just two seconds ago. A shattering sound follows and the bottle of white wine the customer was holding in now on the floor in pieces along with the rice. The female customer shouts in surprise and I freeze.

I decide the universe hates me.

At first, I just stand there, unable to move but when the owner comes running in seconds later to check what happened, my heart pounds in my chest in fear and I want to cry. Why does this keep happening?

‘What is the meaning of this?! Yugyeom?’ He asks angrily looking between the three of us and the mess on the floor.

‘I was holding a bottle of wine, he bumped into me so suddenly I dropped it.’ The woman explains first and Mr Yoon’s eyes land on me.

‘It was all my fault really, sir. I asked for help a bit too suddenly and scared him.’ I only now turn to my side and the person whose voice startled me is the same man who was here two days ago asking if the food at the registers were free. I suddenly recall with a frustrating clarity all the mistakes I made so far in this job and just sigh in embarrassment. I look to the floor in shame but the stranger continues in a strong, convinced voice. ‘Only and entirely my fault.’

I can’t stop myself from looking up at him again. Of course, it wasn’t his fault at all. He was just asking for my help but I, in my distracted, exhausted, caffeine induced state dropped the rice and bumped into the lady.

I notice the owner’s expression however, softens a little. ‘Please choose another bottle of wine, 20% discount for the inconvenience.’ He smiles at the lady who leaves the aisle with a small nod, heading for the alcohol section.

‘I will help you instead with whatever you need in just a moment.’ He then says to the handsome man then turns to me. ‘Clean this mess up immediately, boy. You’re fired. Come to my office later to sign the termination papers.’

I hold my breath at the words, cold chills running down my spine. I look to the floor, trying not to say anything that will make the situation even worse.

‘I’m sorry.’ I still whisper helplessly. It’s all my fault, so I owe at least an apology.

‘Please come this way.’ The shop owner beacons the customer towards him, asking him to be careful of the mess on the floor. ‘What can I help you with?’

‘I thought I made it clear that it was all my fault. Why is the innocent employee being fired?’ The voice is so serious and stern, I stare with curiosity. There is fire in the man’s eyes. I feel like I’m burning even when it’s not directed at me. Why is this stranger taking my side like this?

‘I’m sorry, sir but I’m the owner of this store and it’s not the first time something like this has happened. I make the decisions here.’

‘Even when it’s not fair? Even when I said it’s my fault?’ He laughs emptily, contempt clear in his tone. ‘That’s ridiculous. I was here once before and I thought the business was run well but now you can expect the most unfavourable review on my website “JYPreviews.com”.’

I listen with a confused expression, wondering what is the customer talking about. The website doesn’t sound familiar at all tome. I guess it sounds very familiar to Mr Yoon though based on his current facial expression. He visibly pales and his mouth opens but words don’t come out for a long while.

‘JYP… Park Jinyoung-ssi?’ he mumbles with wide eyes.

‘That’s right.’ The dark-haired man, whose name I now learn, nods. ‘I should get going, it seems there is a lot for me to write and post today.’ He gives the most cocky, cold smirk I’ve ever seen and I bite my lip, trying not to snort at the shocked and terrified expression on the store owner’s face.

‘Umm… I… I think there’s been a misunderstanding Park-ssi. I don’t think there is a need to write anything on your website today. We can resolve the issue, I’m sure. It’s all just a huge misunderstanding. Yugyeom here is a new employee, small mistakes like these can happen, it’s nothing…’ I’ve never seen Mr Yoon is such sheer panic, it’s a beautiful sight, I can’t lie.

I secretly gaze at Mr Park and he looks back briefly at me with a tiny smile. I know I’m blushing now but I hope it also shows on my face how impressed I am with what he just did to that man. Mr Park nods once quickly at me before he shifts his now judging stare back at Mr Yoon. ‘So, Yugyeom here is not signing any termination papers today or ever that is and we call all of this a mistake, I understand?’

‘Oh, yes, that is all completely correct. I’m once again very sorry for the misunderstanding, Park-ssi. Please, continue your shopping comfortably, sir.’

‘Ah, since it was my fault, I’ll give up on the shopping today and help the poor boy here. Could you please bring the cleaning supplies?’

I look with pure surprise and joy on my face at the handsome man, not sure if what I heard really left his lips.

Mr Yoon wipes the nervous sweat from his brow, nods two times without a word and heads in the direction of the cleaning closet.

I play with the hem of my apron again when we’re left alone, hesitant. ‘Are you sure? You don’t need to do anything, sir. We both know it was my fault.’

‘Don’t worry, I have a lot of time on my hands and you seem very tired and stressed. I’m just glad I managed to save you from that…’ he looks like he’s about to swear but bites his tongue in time. I can’t help but smile a little too brightly. I suddenly want to hug him in thanks but I stay in place, not wanting to invade his personal space uninvited.

‘Thank you. Thank you so much, Park-ssi. I don’t even know what to say…’ I mumble excitedly and notice that the man just smiles lightly in return with the ever-so calm expression.

I decide he intrigues me a lot.

‘Thank you is enough.’ He thinks for a moment before continuing. ‘And you don’t have to call me by “-ssi”. It makes me feel so old. I guess I’m still older than you though so hyung would be much preferred.’

‘I’m twenty.’ I supply to avoid any confusion.

‘I’m twenty-four, so _hyung_ it is.’ I nod at him in silent agreement. I didn’t think he was this young. The way he carries himself and speaks seemed much more mature.

I don’t have time to ask anything else though because that’s when the cleaning supplies are brought to us and I begin to brush up the mess slowly onto a shovel and throw it into a black bin. Jinyoung grabs the broom and sweeps the floor, gathering the soaked in wine rice and pieces of broken glass into a pile where I can easily pick it up with the shovel and throw away.

I didn’t think cleaning up with someone else could be this nice.

The silence is not uncomfortable and the warmth spreading in my stomach when our eyes occasionally meet is new but not unpleasant either.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is up. I don't know why I upload so much but hope you enjoy. Also, I never mentioned before: I'm sorry for any mistakes as English is not my first language. 
> 
> Enjoy!xx

I need to study. There are reports to be written, articles to be read, definitions to be memorised for an exam but I just sit on my bed staring at a wall, surrounded by papers as if just by sitting like that I could absorb everything I need to learn without doing anything.

My mind is somewhere else, wandering around without a care in the world and I decide not to chase after it right now. I have a day only to myself tomorrow since my lecture has been cancelled and I don’t have work either. Thoughts about work bring back thoughts about Jinyoung-hyung. I play with my long silver earring in my right ear absentmindedly, smiling.

Suddenly, I find myself curiously searching for Jinyoung’s website. My fingers move quickly over the keys of the old laptop. Seconds later I’m on the site. It looks so professional. I wonder if this is his only job or is it just something additional but there are reviews of almost hundred different shops, stores and other businesses in the city and even some outside of it. When I click on the name of any shop I can see posts from even three years ago. Some establishments seem to have improved in the following posts while others got more and more negative reviews from Jinyoung as time went on.

I read one of the more critical posts and notice the tone is just like the real Jinyoung is here speaking. I laugh a little to myself. I remember his attitude towards the store owner earlier and I want to sing and dance in happiness. He did everything I could only dream of doing to that old idiot because of my status and age. Not just that but he said it all with so much relaxed confidence, stirring some weird feelings in me.

It made my heart flutter. I still don’t know why he did it though. Did he feel pity for me? Sympathy? Maybe he liked that _free_ bread sticks the other day _that_ much? I chuckle again. Whatever it was I’m so happy he did that for me.

I scroll to the comments section on the website and read the first that comes up.

“My friend’s shop wasn’t perhaps the cleanest in the area but one review on this website and next month there was no shop at all. Nobody went there anymore and he had to close it down. Always clean your shops everyone – just a word of friendly advice.”

Interested, I also read the next one.

“I’m yet to be visited by Mr Park but I hope my small restaurant can survive under the burning gaze of that incredible man. If you see smoke coming out of here at some point though, you can expect he was here too. Either that or I left the tonkatsu sizzling in the pan for a bit too long again…”

I begin to laugh again and close the browser after a moment. I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. It seems every business owner in the city knows him. I wonder how it got to such a stage. Did he just enjoy reviewing places and took it so seriously that it has become a professional job?

It seems fair though. It’s not just negativity and criticism. Some shops had amazing reviews and it could really be a good source for people to know which store was best to visit and where to avoid going. I had to admit it was impressive.

Laying on the bed comfortably, I feel so tired, so exhausted emotionally from all the stress and physically from pushing around heavy trolleys and boxes. I close my eyes and it’s not long before I’m far away from the real world, mentally at least.

***

I wake up the next day feeling blissful, feeling rested, feeling good which is a new feeling. New is also waking up naturally as my internal biological clock wishes and not as the clock on my phone usually does each morning with its annoyingly cheerful, endless melody. This morning I don’t feel like throwing any electronic devices out the window and it’s such a blessing.

I open my eyes to bright light and the slight discomfort of sleeping in tight jeans and a thick hoodie. I sit on the bed and notice the forgotten study notes are still spread everywhere even more messily now. I pull out one, noisy sheet of paper from under my bottom and wince at how scrunched up it is. I try to smooth it out against my thigh but it’s useless. I put it away with a sigh and get up from the bed with intentions of making myself some breakfast.

I know the fridge has almost nothing in it before I even open it but I’m still disappointed at the bright light illuminating the empty space inside. I take out last two eggs and some old cheese, thanking God for creating products that can stay in the fridge for a long time before spoiling.

Thank you, dear God, for helping even such helpless human beings like myself, I think to myself as I crack the eggs into a pan.

I suddenly realise what ridiculous thoughts are coming to my head. ‘I’m going crazy. I think I’m actually going crazy. How ironic – a psychology student is going nuts.’ I mumble to myself.

I switch on the electric kettle. I probably just need some coffee.

***

I’m wheezing as I run into the store two days later. I’m seconds from being late but thankfully the place seems empty somehow, as if asleep. My usual, still very ugly apron and my usual, still terribly scratched on the side cash register monitor. I take a deep breath.

The day is thankfully slow. Middle of the week is usually like that, so I have the energy to smile brightly and bow to each costumer respectfully.

The stern businessmen buying their lunches not even lifting a corner of their mouths at my greetings; middle-aged women smiling warmly and telling me I’m very polite; older aunties nodding brightly and telling me I look too thin with concern on their faces; high school girls giggling and sometimes telling me I’m handsome before running away shyly.

I get used to the range of emotions, responses and facial expressions I get in return from people. I kind of like them all in their own ways.

Mr Yoon only looks at me with unreadable expression whenever he passes by the registers. I don’t meet his eyes in return even once.

I can’t help but glance at the entry sometimes when a new customer comes in, hoping to see someone with black hair swept neatly to the side and adorable ears, wearing a navy blazer. A customer somewhat matching that description comes in at some point in the day but it’s not Jinyoung so I look back down at my hands in disappointment.

‘Waiting for someone?’ Youngjae comes by on his lunch break with two brown paper bags and two bottles of juice.

‘Ah, no. Just bored.’ I lie quickly. He looks at me with raised brows but doesn’t say anything else. I change the subject quickly. ‘Two sweet buns today?’

‘Yeah, well, one is for me. Don’t be greedy, Yugyeom-ah.’ He jokes and I laugh opening my own bag and looking inside to see the baked deliciousness.

‘I thought you said you’re watching your weight, hyung?’

‘I am.’ The blonde replies before biting into his golden bun with unhidden delight. ‘I haven’t had any in three days. I can have one occasionally, right?’ he asks but it seems like he wouldn’t care much, continuing to eat happily, even if I disagreed.

‘Of course.’ I mumble around a mouthful. ‘Besides you look perfectly fine as you are now.’ I add opening the bottle of orange juice with one hand.

‘Oh, you’re so sweet.’ The sunshine boy smiles, eyes turning into crescents.

‘Not as sweet as Jaebum-ssi though, huh?’ I smirk at the disapproving glare he gives me then I just freely laugh at the blush spreading on his cheeks which he tries to hide.  

Youngjae wipes his mouth; bits of pink icing sugar and crumbs fall to the floor. ‘I came here to have a nice chat. I gave you free food and drink like the caring hyung I am and what I get in return? Cruel teasing and laughter. I’m leaving to eat somewhere where I can have my deserved peace.’ He replies but I clearly hear the joking, easy tone of his voice. I turn around to watch him walk away. The break is almost over anyway so he’s heading back to his work.

‘I love you too, hyung!’ I shout after him enthusiastically, quite loud since he’s already few long meters away. I bite again into the bun in my hands with a huge smile.

When I turn back around, Jinyoung is right in front of me, our eyes locking. I stop chewing on my food and nearly choke at the mere sight of him. His expression is normal, calm, usual but there seems to be some distance in his eyes that I can’t interpret right now.

I swallow what’s still in my mouth finally. ‘Hello, hyung.’ I bow a little awkwardly and he nods.

‘Hi.’ He just replies coldly and walks away towards the full-packed shelves with his green basket in hand.

Without any reason I immediately wonder if it’s something I did to upset him. Maybe he’s been trying to talk to me while I was shouting after Youngjae and didn’t hear him? Maybe he regrets helping me yesterday?

I sigh. That’s awfully childish and self-centred to think like that. He has a whole life beside the short encounters with me every now and then. He has hundreds of other reasons to be upset other than me. He has family, friends, work, responsibilities, probably a girlfriend too…

I imagine Jinyoung with a beautiful, tall girl by his side... I close the register with force, offering the change to the lady standing in front of me. The customer looks up with surprise at the loud noise. ‘I’m sorry, it doesn’t close properly today for some reason.’

She just nods hesitantly and reaches out for the change and full plastic bag, not saying anything in return.

Great, I’m becoming a pathological liar. First, Jinyoung with the bread sticks, then Youngjae when he asked if I’m waiting for someone and now a random customer. What is going on with me lately?

That question must be left for later as the very person that has started it all comes up with full basket, taking out his stuff onto the conveyer belt. I wait for him to put all the items there before starting to scan them. In the mean time I watch his arms while he’s busy with unpacking. I failed to notice earlier today he’s wearing a white shirt with sleeves rolled up.

Of course, I could look somewhere else in the meantime while I wait. Literally anywhere else. For example, at the beautiful fresh flowers on display ahead of me; or the shiny avocados in the exotic fruits section nearby. Isn’t it interesting? Who knew avocado is a fruit, huh?

But on the other hand, more interestingly, who knew that under the fancy shirts and blazers Jinyoung’s arms are so beautifully lean, lightly tanned with long rope-like veins sticking out?

Way too soon he finishes unpacking his basket. ‘Do you need a bag, hyung?’ I smile brightly.

‘Yes, two please.’

This time without asking he lifts the glass lid of the bowl and takes three, long, freshly brought to the store today, truffle bread sticks. I discreetly look around but thankfully no other customers or workers are around.

I get a bit too much satisfaction from glancing occasionally at him while he’s eating. This time I don’t even regret giving them to him for free. For what he did for me recently I feel like I owe him much more than that. I calmly put his items in the bags and notice he’s bought a lot of delicious things that look like he’s going to cook home-made food from scratch.

‘Looks like you’re going to be cooking a lot, hyung.’ I verbalise my thoughts.

He nods. ‘Yeah, a little bit. Some japchae, kimchi-jjigae, maybe fried chicken…’ he lists and I start to feel hungry just imagining the food he’ll make with those strong, pretty hands.

‘Sounds delicious...’ I say softly, ignoring the low rumble in my stomach. He looks up at me but I don’t meet his eyes, focusing on my job. I feel hot under his gaze and I wonder what he’s thinking about.

‘Do you like cooking?’ Jinyoung asks after a moment and I shake my head.

‘I’m hopeless when it comes to cooking. Besides, student life and working here, you can imagine how it is…’ I reply and look up at him. I get distracted by his shining eyes for a second and forget what I was going to say next. ‘No money, no time.’ I conclude lamely in the end.

‘I see.’ His voice usually sounds so smooth but when he replies this time it seems even more so.

When I’m finished packing, he hands me his card before I even ask for it. I pass the full bags to him.

‘Thanks, Yugyeom.’

‘No problem.’ I smile a little. My legs hurt standing here all day without a break. ‘I hope the food turns out well.’

With a small wave he takes the shopping and heads for the door. I watch him disappear, propping my elbows on the counter and resting my chin in my hands.

Two hours later when I’m finally finished with my shift, I put 30,000 won into the register again. This time it’s with a light heart though. In my head I see a small smirk on perfectly plump lips and hear sweet yet deep voice saying my name. I don’t care about anything else at this moment. It feels like I’m paying for something much more precious than fancy food.

I leave the store probably a little too happy, probably smiling a little too much for someone with only 30,000 won in their wallet and almost two weeks of work until payment.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flowers and food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter. I guess I need to say that chapters will very in size. I try to make them similar but that's just how the story flows better so I'm sorry for that. xx

A little bit better rested the next morning, I stand by the register with more confidence. A little more relaxed too since Mr Yoon doesn’t watch me like a hawk anymore. More used to everything at the job since it’s been almost two weeks now. I feel like I can breathe. Breathe deeply and smile more sincerely at the customers.

I had some time this morning and for once I didn’t rush getting dressed. I wore my fluffy light grey jumper with quite low-cut neck exposing my, especially now, visible collarbones. I wore black long earrings as well to match and even a tiny bit of black eyeliner in the outer corners of my eyes. I brushed my silver hair properly this morning so they look smooth and well-groomed for once in my life.

I was asked to unpack the fresh flowers that have just arrived to the store while one my colleague took my place at the checkouts for the time being. I look at all the beautiful arrangements and wish I could buy one and put it in my room but that would mean a complete starvation for a whole week.

Still it’s nice to work with such pretty flowers. I hum a random pop song I heard on the radio while putting the bouquets into buckets filled with water and special fluid to keep them fresh.

I hold a particularly big bunch, one of the most expensive ones, admiring it for a second when someone taps me on my shoulder. I suspect it’s either a work colleague, maybe Youngjae or perhaps a customer needing my help. Instinctively I turn around holding the flowers in front of my face.  For a second I can’t even see who is standing there because the big flowers are obstructing my vision but soon I note a familiar black, shiny, swept to the side hair.

My heart skips a beat in my chest and I purposely don’t lower down the bouquet like a normal person should. I kind of hide behind it like an idiot, embarrassed for some reason.

‘Yugyeom…?’ Jinyoung asks hesitantly and reaches his hand inside to push the pink roses and white freesias to the side carefully and look at me through the gap between the plants. ‘Here you are.’

With my cheeks slowly becoming the same shade as the roses, I finally lower down the bouquet and bow lightly to Jinyoung. ‘Morning, hyung. Sorry about this, I was given the job of sorting out all these flowers.’ I mumble pointing to the full boxes of fragrant fresh plants.

He opens his mouth but wavers, taking in my appearance now that he can see me well. I grow self-conscious under his stare. He collects himself quickly though, blinking twice, before I can even wonder what he might be thinking.

‘Ah, I almost couldn’t find you amongst them…’ the older says with a small smile but before I can even fully process the meaning behind the words, he covers his mouth with his fist, knuckles pale from squeezing too tight and apologizes. ‘That was terrible. Forget I said that.’

I just look down and smile, suddenly finding the pattern on the flower wrapping paper very interesting to look at. There is a long pause.

‘Are you doing some shopping today too?’ I look up, changing the subject to spare him the embarrassment but I can’t stop smiling lightly.

‘Ah, no.’ He looks around, seeming a little uncomfortable and I watch him with curiosity. ‘I brought this for you.’ He lifts a white paper bag I didn’t notice he was holding.

‘For me? What is it?’ I ask but even before he answers I can smell something delicious from the bag and I lick my lips involuntarily.

‘Well, last time you said you hope the food turns out well, so I thought you can be the judge of that yourself.’ I open my mouth in surprise. I could never expect he would do something like that. I hastily place the flowers I still hold my hands into one of the buckets on the floor and take the bag from him, grateful, bowing politely. He continues. ‘Besides I also have been a student not that long ago so I know what’s it like to miss home-made food.’

I feel like hugging him again. This time it’s even harder to stop myself from doing it. So many weird emotions run through me that I don’t know how to express. I look at his handsome face, taking in his beautiful features. He appears cold, stern from the outside but the warmth shows in his eyes. He may be good at controlling his face but he can’t hide the truth in his eyes.

I’m standing there with neatly packed boxes of still warm food in my hands, in the middle of a supermarket that I would have been already fired from if not for the man in front of me.

So, maybe the universe hates me and maybe God doesn’t listen to my prayers but it seems he cares enough to send an angel to look after me. How else can I describe him other than that? He keeps saving me and caring for me without wanting anything in return.

‘Why do you look at me like that? I only gave you some fried chicken and noodles, not a million won in cash.’

I laugh shortly then smile wide at his surprised expression..

‘It’s so much better than a million won, hyung. Thank you.’

Jinyoung clears his throat, nods once and mutters something incoherent that sounds a bit like “It’s really nothing.”, before saying a short goodbye and leaving the store.

***

‘Don’t you dare say a single word to me about Jaebum-hyung. Got it? I don’t want to hear another teasing word about how he gives me free sweet buns every day, okay?’ Youngjae runs up to me at the exit and we leave together in the same direction towards the bus stop.

‘Sorry?’ I ask confused, looking at the other.

‘Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about Yugyeom-ah. Your conversation with Park-ssi today.’

‘What? How do you know?’

‘Jackson-hyung was unpacking apples in the fruit and veg section and heard the whole thing. He told me.’ Youngjae explains casually. ‘Why do I have to find out from him rather than from you? Really, I thought we were friends. I guess I was wrong.’ He asks teasingly, yet still slightly upset.

‘Ah… Jackson-hyung. Of course.’ I sigh. ‘We are friends, hyung, you know that but I just didn’t think it was such a big deal to talk about.’ I pretend to be casual about it, walking slowly beside the older boy.

‘So, what is the deal, actually? He saved you from getting fired the other day - okay maybe he’s a nice guy, but now he’s bringing you home-cooked food? Jackson said he always spends a little longer by your register than other customers. What’s all that about?’ Youngjae bubbles on. I tighten my grip on the paper bag I’m carrying in my right hand.

‘It’s nothing, I guess. I don’t know…’ I shrug my shoulders but inside my chest, my heart races a little faster. ‘…and he _is_ a nice guy.’

‘Well, you should be careful anyway, you don’t know what his intentions are and who he is.’ Youngjae sounds serious. ‘How do you even feel about him bothering you like that?’

‘Bothering me?’ I narrow my eyes, glancing at the blonde. ‘I don’t know what Jackson has told you but it seems he added a little to the truth. He doesn’t bother me…’ I take a moment to think about it. ‘But if you want to call it that then I feel the same way about him bothering me as you do about Jaebum-ssi bothering you.’

There is a small pause before the other asks carefully. ‘You like him?’

‘Oh, so you’re finally admitting you like the delivery boy?’ I tease in return.

‘Don’t change the subject, okay?’ Youngjae tries to sound stern but fails, his expression softening. ‘Was the food nice?’

I laugh. ‘It was really delicious, hyung.’ I reply holding the bag up to show him. ‘I still have some for tomorrow.’

We reach the bus stop finally. The older smiles brightly at me. ‘I’m glad you ate well today then.’ He looks down for a second and when he looks up again he seems a little pensive. ‘You know I’m just a little worried about you, Yugyeomie, right?’

I nod. ‘I know, hyung. Thank you for always looking out for me.’ I give him a warm hug. He pats my back affectionately.

When Youngjae’s bus disappears around the corner, I stand at the empty stop waiting for my own bus to come.

In late autumn’s freezing weather and completely alone but somehow, I don’t feel cold nor lonely. I feel dangerously happy and unusually serene.


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stress and lies.

I rush like crazy to the exam hall because I’m an idiot. Well, really because I forgot my university ID and had to run back home to get it but also mainly because I’m an idiot. I feel like the two are closely related. 

I take my designated seat, thankfully at the back, trying to calm my loud breathing. I feel like a typical student before an exam – unprepared and stressed. 

‘You may begin now. Good luck!’ With shaking hands, I turn over the first crisp white page of the exam paper. I scan the questions quickly and realise it won’t be the easiest two hours of my life… With empty mind I press the pen to the paper hard and internally panic when long seconds then minutes of the exam pass by mercilessly. 

I begin to sweat when I realise all I managed to do in the first five minutes is pierce a black hole in the paper, not having written anything yet. 

In the end I still wrote something. Not much and I don’t need to wait for the results to know it’s most likely a fail. I feel like crying. It’s not like I haven’t studied for it but there was so much to remember and I was unlucky with the questions too. I guess I have no excuse. I should have just studied more instead of sleeping at night. 

‘Can someone remind me why did I choose to study psychology again?’ My best friend BamBam mumbles unhappily when I meet him and Mark outside the exam hall two hours later. 

‘You said you heard girls like guys who study psychology.’ Mark replies. ‘Yet I haven’t seen you with any yet.’ 

‘Oh, right. The ladies… And please, Mark. You know very well, girls follow me around like a swarm of bees.’ The Thai boy smirks.

‘They do. Shame that it’s only to ask where you got your sparkly jackets or shoes from.’ 

I snort out loud. BamBam glares at Mark.

‘Well, everyone needs some conversation starter. Maybe I’m too intimidating to be approached just like that.’ He argues passionately.

‘Whatever helps you sleep at night.’ The older retorts, emotionless. ‘The exam was difficult though. I just wrote whatever came to my head first.’ Mark changes the topic and sighs nervously.

‘At least something came to your head, hyung.’ I muse, treading tiredly beside the two boys. 

‘It’ll be fine, Yugyeom. We have three more exams to go. Just ace those three and your overall grade for the first semester will be good. Then we have another four in May.’ The shorter boy tries to comfort me but it all just feels a bit depressing. 

After lunch, graciously bought for everyone by Mark, I part ways with my friends but not before promising them to go out for drinks one weekend to destress. I’m not the type that drinks much but they seemed up for it so I just agreed anyway. 

I stay up all night, studying like I promised myself. I’m in the weird half high on caffeine, half dying from exhaustion state, surrounded by textbooks and notes. The raised voices of the neighbours next door coming through the wall are not helping me focus. Why do they argue at four o’clock in the morning? 

I rest my head for a second against the bed post, closing my eyes. I’m thinking back to the dreadful exam, feeling terrible about it, regretting not studying enough and just thinking I’m useless in general. 

There’s truly no better time than four in the morning to start pointlessly ruminating, blaming yourself and reconsidering all your life choices. 

Suddenly certain person enters my thoughts and it’s unavoidable really. Of course, whatever I think about must turn into thinking about Jinyoung recently. It’s comforting to think about him though. To take a break and remember his pretty eyes and… well, his pretty everything. Even his somewhat cold demeanour that might deter others from wanting to get to know him. However, to me… if anything I find him the more intriguing. 

I don’t know exactly when I start to daydream of us two together. I don’t realise how bad the fantasy is getting until…

_We’re sitting on the bed and Jinyoung is holding me close to his chest, stroking my hair softly._

_‘What happened, Yugyeomie?’_

_‘I’m pretty sure I failed my exam, hyung…’ I mumble against his chest. ‘I’m useless.’_

_‘Stop it now. It’s just one exam. You’ll study hard for the next one and you’ll pass with no problem.’ He kisses_ _the top of_ _my head and I pull away to look at him in the eyes._

_‘You think so, hyung?’_

_‘Of course. You’re smart and hard-working.’ I try smiling a little but I’m still not so convinced and still a little depressed and it probably shows on my face. ‘Ah, I hate seeing you so sad. C’mon no_ _w_ _baby,_ _hyung_ _will make you feel better…’ he glances down at my lips and leans in…_

My eyes snap open wide and I shut my textbook closed with a loud bang. 

‘That’s definitely enough studying for tonight. Time to sleep!’ I say to myself, getting off the bed hurriedly, shaking my head to get back to reality. I clear all the books from the top of the duvet, placing them on my desk and change into my pyjamas. 

Sleep deprivation is a scary thing. Especially combined with fantasising about handsome men. 0/10 - would not recommend. 

***

I’m positively half-dead holding onto the counter for support at work three days later. First two were bad but today is a hell on earth. Studying at night and going to classes and working during the day… What was I thinking? 

I’m blinking tiredly, also positive I’m seeing everything double because what are the chances every customer today has an identical twin that has come along with them to the store? 

‘Are those free?’ A middle-aged man asks, pointing at the damned truffle bread sticks. 

‘No, sir. They are 10.000 won each.’ I repeat for the third time today.

He seems equally shocked and disappointed. ‘Ah, thank you.’ He walks away with his basket in hand. 

It’s not so busy today. I take every free moment to close my eyes even just for a minute. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact my payment is at the end of this week. Just few more days. 

When I open my eyes again I see the delivery boy from the bakery looking around the shop. 

‘Looking for something, sir?’ I ask lazily. 

He startles and turns around to look at me. He opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again. It’s entertaining to watch. ‘I’m just… just… well.’

‘Youngjae-hyung is not working today.’ I decide to put him out of his misery.

He finally closes his mouth clears his throat. He starts to blush. ‘Um, I’m actually looking for the manager.’ 

I smirk a little at his obviously flustered state and even more obvious lie. “Of course, you are.” I say in my mind.

‘His office is this way.’ I say out loud instead and point to the direction. ‘The blue door next to the soft drinks section.’ 

He takes a small step towards there and presses his lips into a thin line. ‘Ah, thanks for the help.’ He walks away and I try not to burst out laughing. He’s cute and matches well with Youngjae, I think to myself.

My hands tremble a little all day when I give back the change to customers, which I must count twice at times. Some impatient people look at me strangely but say nothing. When I catch a sight of myself in the mirror on the wall coming back to my cash register after a short break, I almost get scared thinking I saw a ghost. I look beyond pale and thin with large dark circles under my eyes.

I really should sleep tonight. I can’t go on like this. I frown walking slowly to my work place. If I wasn’t as tired as I am I would smile even brighter at the sweet surprise waiting for me in the form of Jinyoung leaning against the counter. He looks angelic; he looks like he’s radiating light and everything around him blurs. 

‘Hyung. Were you waiting for me?’ 

‘You wish.’ He fires back. I smile wider. ‘I came for the bread sticks.’ 

He takes two without asking and I just watch him silently. He deserves all the baked goods of the world. 

‘I changed my mind. Can I have five of those, please?’ The man from earlier comes back out of nowhere. I recognise him but my heart freezes in my chest when he points to the bread sticks Jinyoung is casually eating.

‘Of course…’ with shaking hands I take five and put them in a paper bag, swallowing nervously, glancing at Jinyoung who doesn’t seem bothered by anything.

‘Here’s the 50,000 won. That’s correct, right?’

I look up to see Jinyoung with his eyes narrowed. He turns to the customer nonchalantly with a small smile. ‘Those are free, sir.’

I panic and clear my throat nervously. ‘Yeah, sorry, I made a mistake earlier. Those are free, special offer just for today.’ I mumble almost incoherently. 

Can you see what you’re doing to me, Jinyoung? You’re making me a pathological liar. I can’t control what I’m doing or saying when it comes to you. I sigh hopelessly.

The customer puts his money back in his pocket, clearly surprised. ‘Oh, really?’ 

I just nod, my head swimming with thoughts I can’t begin to even organise, my hands shaking, my eyelids feeling heavy. The man takes the bag from my hands and walks away happily. 

I look up at the older boy who is watching me with wide eyes, no longer eating. My heart thuds painfully in my chest. ‘Special offer  _just_  for today?’ He questions. ‘Oh, really?’ Jinyoung mimics the customer, waiting for some explanation and I have so much to explain, so much to tell him and so much to apologize for but nothing leaves my mouth.

I grip the edge of the counter feeling weak, my legs like jelly. There is a weird distant buzzing in my ears and even if the other is speaking right now I can’t hear him. I realise I can’t really hear anything at all. 

‘Jinyoung-hyung...’ is all I manage to breathe out weakly before my body feels heavy and my vision darkens dangerously. 


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Worries and revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this story is not so popular but that fine.   
> I hope some people are still enjoying this. To those people-  
> thank you for reading! x

I open my eyes to two dark orbs staring at me from above. They look worried but soften as soon as I blink twice at them just to make sure I’m not imaging it and that they’re really there. 

They are and accompanied by little crinkles in the outer corners means they can belong only to one person.

‘Jinyoung-hyung.’ 

‘Really Yugyeom? People run away or pretend they don’t know what’s going on in awkward situations but fainting? That’s a first.’ Jinyoung shakes his head and helps me sit up. I now see the store owner not far away and other work colleagues around me as well as some nosy customers looking to see what happened. 

‘What…?’ I begin, disoriented. 

‘Just breathe deeply, it’s all fine now. The doctor is on his way.’ I feel the warm hand on my shoulder and I watch his face remembering what happened and my heart picks up its pace again. Why do I keep making a mess of myself and everything else around me? Why does it keep happening? 

The doctor comes running in into the shop and kneels beside me on the floor like Jinyoung on my other side. 

‘I’m doctor Jung. What’s your name?’ He asks friendly.

‘Kim Yugyeom.’ 

He nods patiently. ‘How do you feel? Do you have any pains?’ 

‘Bad and a lot.’ I reply but I don’t even feel like explaining. I just want to sleep. 

‘When was the last time you ate something?’ His voice is calm and understanding.

My head hurts so much. ‘I don’t remember.’ I say honestly. I feel Jinyoung’s arm tighten around my shoulders and despite everything else I feel safe. I’m too scared to look into his eyes right now though. I’m too ashamed.

Without a warning the doctor shines a light into my eyes and I groan. ‘You should be fine but I still need to check a few things.’

After those few things which turn out to be taking my temperature, blood pressure and blood sugar levels, the doctor gives me two small sachets and tells me to eat it. 

‘What’s that?’ I look at it sceptically. 

‘Glucose.’ He answers simply with a small smile. ‘You’ll feel better. For the future, please take care to eat properly and rest well and there should be no such accidents. Do you live with anyone?’

‘No, I’m in Seoul alone to attend university, doctor-nim.’ I shake my head, swallowing the contents of one of the sachets. 

‘I’ll make sure he eats well and sleeps enough.’ Jinyoung suddenly speaks up and I almost choke in surprise. I look at him but he’s staring straight at the doctor, who is nodding. 

‘Very well. My job here is done then. Take care, kid.’ The doctor leaves and Mr Yoon thanks him. 

I get up from the floor, feeling better but still very ashamed of what happened. ‘I’m sorry, hyung, I’m so sorry…’ I begin but he interrupts me. 

‘Leave all this for later. It’s not important now.’ He replies seriously but I feel the concern in his voice. The shorter boy looks to the owner. ‘I’ll take him home. Please, have someone in his place for tomorrow, he should stay one day at home and rest.’ 

‘Yes, of course.’ Mr Yoon hurriedly agrees. ‘But you really don’t need to do this. He’s my employee, I can have someone from the staff take him home.’ 

Jinyoung shakes his head and moves his hand to my lower back, protectively. I look down to the floor in embarrassment. ‘My car is just here. It’s not a problem and it will be faster.’ 

‘Yes, Park-ssi.’ The older man stutters.

I hear a few other workers wishing me to feel better soon and I turn to bow at them weakly in thanks. When we pass next to Mr Yoon, I apologize to him but he just nods looking uncomfortable, his lips pressed into a thin line like he’s stopping himself from saying something. I have a feeling he’s not suppressing any nice words. 

I let myself be led to the car. Jinyoung opens the door for me and I roll my eyes. ‘I’m okay now, you don’t have to treat me like a porcelain doll.’

He gets in on the driver’s side and shuts the door. ‘Fine. I won’t anymore.’ He answers sternly with no emotion and starts the car and I watch his hands on the steering wheel for a second.

‘Are you angry at me?’ I ask shyly, looking down at my own hands. 

‘No.’ The older replies softer now. He exhales deeply. ‘I just… got worried.’ 

My cheeks start to burn for no reason. I lean back in the sit and feel so comfortable. I close my eyes for half a minute. All of this feels kind of strange, kind of surreal but it makes me feel bizarrely alive. ‘You worry about me?’ 

‘Does that surprise you?’ 

I open my eyes and roll my head to the side, still resting it on the car seat but Jinyoung’s careful gaze is on the road in front of him, not me. Ever so mature, so responsible. Safe. I never knew I needed someone like that in my life. 

‘It should. We hardly know each other but somehow it doesn’t.’ I think for a moment. I suddenly feel brave, watching the sunlight draw shapes on the other’s face as we drive. ‘It makes me happy, makes me feel important to someone.’

‘You’re important to a lot of people.’ He just states like he knows my entire life and I feel like I have no choice but to believe him.

‘Are you one of those people?’ I challenge and bite my bottom lip as soon as it leaves my mouth. 

‘Yugyeom-ah… I’m driving, don’t distract me right now.’ He avoids the question, flustered. I want to tease him just like he does it to me. He’s adorable like this, I decide, smiling.

I feel sleepy again in the silence of the car, Jinyoung’s mere presence like a lullaby. I look out the window to stop myself from falling asleep and notice we’re heading the opposite direction from where my home is. 

‘This is not the way to my place.’ We stop at a red light and he looks at me for a long moment. I always find myself wishing to know what he’s thinking. ‘Are you kidnaping me, Park-ssi?’ 

He rolls his eyes and laughs shortly. ‘Yes, I’m kidnapping you.’ He replies sarcastically then stays silent for three seconds. ‘There is food in my house and peace and quiet to rest properly.’ He reveals the actual reason.

‘So are there in mine.’ I argue but the memories of an empty fridge and noisy neighbours flash in my mind and effectively prevent my mouth from opening again. 

‘I bet.’ He says flatly. ‘Besides, I promised the doctor to take care of you.’ 

It’s ridiculous how his words affect me.  _T_ _o take care of you._  They’re just words but from his mouth they sound so comforting, they sound so honest. I can’t describe how they make me feel and I don’t even want to. 

Why try to define something that’s already perfect without the need to do so? 

So, I don’t. I don’t define what I feel and what we are. 

***

I don’t know what I was expecting but the house is very modern and minimalist in design from outside but cosy and full of things that make it very homely like the bowl of fruit on the table, fresh flowers and fluffy pillows on the sofa. It matches Jinyoung well. 

I look around when the older puts away the keys and takes off his jacket, heading to the open kitchen. I look down and notice I’m still wearing just my work apron over my pink sweater. I try to take it off but I tied the string behind me three times as it was always untying and getting on my nerves. 

But it was easier to tie it than to untie. I struggle for a moment, huffing impatiently. I give up and walk towards the kitchen where the dark-haired boy is making tea and heating up food. 

‘Hyung... Help.’ I slump my shoulders and pout a little. He turns to look at me with raised brows. 

‘What happened now?’ 

I turn around facing away from him. ‘Please, untie this stupid thing.’ I complain.

‘You can be such a hopeless, whining baby sometimes, you know?’ I inhale sharply at those words and bite my lip. Warmth spreads in my stomach. Stupid hormones, will this ever stop? Thankfully, Jinyoung couldn’t see my reaction. His hands work with the knot carefully. ‘How many times did you tie this?’

‘Many times.’ 

After a few more seconds the strings fall loosely down my sides. I take the apron off and put it on a hook on the wall next to the elder’s jacket. Jinyoung returns back to his kitchen. He looks so comfortable in the safety of his own home, moving swiftly between the stove where he’s stirring food in the pots and the grey cupboards from where he’s pulling out plates and cups. 

I sit at the table from where I can watch his broad back and his arms, sleeves pulled up to his elbows. I put my arms on the wooden table and rest my head on them with a low exhale. 

‘You were right, hyung. It’s so quiet here.’ I begin, half-whispering not to disturb the calm atmosphere. ‘I really like it.’ 

‘I’m glad.’ He answers still focused fully on cooking. 

The delicious smell fills the room and I smile. 

Every decision I made in my life was spontaneous. In high school I really liked and respected my Psychology teacher; I thought the words that left his mouth were gold, so I went to university to study the subject further to be like him. 

I never really thought about anything too deeply but right now, watching someone take care of me like that, bringing me to their home, cooking for me without any obligations to do so, I make the first careful decision. Decision I think through but no matter how much I think about it I come to only one conclusion. 

I want Park Jinyoung in my life and I’ll do all I can to care for him too. I’ll be there for as long as he wants me to stay. 

‘It’s ready.’ The older announces and brings bowls of steaming soup to the table. 

‘I’m ready too.’ I pull myself away slowly from the table top. Jinyoung’s car and now his furniture seems to be so comfortable. 

‘Careful, it’s really hot.’ 

Fried rice is being brought to the table seconds later. We sit opposite each other and begin to eat. I’m painfully conscious of the glances the older sends my way to check that I’m eating well. 

‘I’ve seen your website. It looks impressive.’ I comment between spoonfuls of the warm, familiar taste of the soup to fill the silence. Jinyoung sits up straighter in his chair but doesn’t say anything. ‘Is that all you do for living?’ I continue, curious about that man. Now that I have the opportunity to ask, I want to take the chance.

He shakes his head. ‘Only recently it has begun to bring in money. It was a hobby at first. Something to do between my other, inconsistent job as a songwriter.’ 

I nearly choke on the broth in my mouth. Not out of shock maybe but out of surprise at least. I suspected he could be something like a businessman, accountant, lawyer or even a teacher but songwriter doesn’t fit with the image I painted in my head so carefully over the days since I met him. It’s not a bad thing at all though.

His eyes are wide and focused on me, waiting for some response. I like what he does, I decide. I smile, titling my head at him, like seeing something in a different light. Maybe it shouldn’t come as such a surprise really. He has a certain way with words. He uses them with such comfortable expertise, so he can probably compose them into a song even better on paper.

‘I love it.’ The words run out of my mouth before I can catch them. ‘I mean, I’m sure you write beautiful lyrics, hyung.’ 

He stops eating for a moment and sends me one of his cold stares that somehow has the opposite effect on me and makes my cheeks burn. ‘How can you know they’re beautiful? Have you heard any of them?’ he asks with that serious, stoic attitude that in my head I begin to call prince-like. 

‘Does your question imply you will show me some later so I can tell you what I think?’ I answer a question with another question. 

‘No, it doesn’t.’ He puts some fried rice on his plate. 

I start to laugh quietly in pure joy looking down at my plate, avoiding his eyes; because of that I miss the way the icy glare sent my way melts quickly into a small, careful smile on his full pink lips. 


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Safe at home with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters at once because i didn't want to spoil the flow.  
> xx

I’m adjusting to all this way too fast, I realise, inhaling the sweet smell of the washing-up liquid in the air around me.

I begin to feel comfortable around Jinyoung too fast. I learn how his complicated shower works too fast. I get used to wearing the clothes I borrowed from him as if they were mine own way too fast too. Something is nagging at my mind that it’s not right. That I should take a step away and look around. Make sure this is the right way before I wander into the forest too deep and get lost but I don’t listen to the annoying little voice in my head. 

Yet maybe it’s strange that not even a full day at his house has passed and I’m washing the dishes after dinner as if it’s my own plates and cups; as if it’s my own sink. In my mind I already know in which cupboards and in which shelves all the things go. 

‘Now that you feel better, I can finally say it.’ I look behind my shoulder to see Jinyoung leaning his weight on the dining table behind him, standing with his arms crossed on his chest. ‘You’re an idiot.’ 

I put the plate I was holding back into the sink and turn around fully, forming a confused look on my face. 

‘Why were you giving me those expensive things for free?’ 

I sigh. I guess I should have known the topic will come back at some point. ‘Ah, this.’ I don’t really know what to say. Why did I do that? I wish to know the answer too. ‘I know you’re waiting for an explanation but I don’t have any. It was just a moment where my mouth said something before my brain could think it through. I’m sure you have moments like that too.’ I look up to him with hope but he’s just looking back at me, still in the same position. 

‘No, I don’t.’ 

I roll my eyes and another sigh escapes my mouth. ‘I was really embarrassed at first and promised myself to tell you about my mistake next time I see you but then you saved me from getting fired and I thought the free food is the least I can do in thanks.’ I almost whisper in shame staring down at the dark, wet dots on my grey t-shirt where the soapy water splashed. Well, Jinyoung’s t-shirt, I remind myself.

‘I understand that. Really, I do. You’re a sensitive person and you were grateful for what I did for you…’ Jinyoung begins and I look at him again, nodding. ‘But you shouldn’t have done that when you had no money for food for yourself. That’s messed up, Yugyeom. Starving yourself? How long did you think you could go on like that for?’ I’m surprised at first how well he has figured everything out but then it’s Jinyoung. Nothing can hide under his watchful gaze. With my hands still wet I play with the hem of the soft shirt, nervously. He is not done yet though. ‘That’s just really stupid and irresponsible… Look, I know it’s hard to be a student, work part time and have little money or time for anything else but you have to take care of yourself, okay?’ 

The harsh tone gets softer as he continues and I breathe a little deeper. The worst thing is he’s clearly angry at me because he cares for me more than it seems I care for myself. He’s a good hyung and I feel guilty for worrying him so much. 

‘I know. I’m sorry.’ I whisper, almost inaudible in the quiet kitchen. 

Looking down at the floor, I don’t notice he is walking towards me until he’s right there, his black sneakers contrasting with the white floor tiles. 

‘Look at me, Yugyeom.’ It’s soft, it almost doesn’t sound like him but at the same time, the voice is so unmistakable to my ears. I obey his order without a second thought. ‘You know I say all this not to make you feel bad but because I’m looking out for you, right?’ 

I nod, not trusting my mouth to speak. I just look at him for a long moment, hoping he can read what I want to say in my eyes. He smiles a little and I smile in return too. He understands what I’m trying to say even though it’s all messed up and jumbled up even in my own head. 

How did I manage to meet someone like that? Isn’t it everyone’s dream to find someone who understands you without words? 

‘Now, since that’s clear, the dishes won’t finish themselves.’ He smirks, his eyes shining. I turn back around to the sink, remembering the “rock, paper, scissors” game I lost. ‘Ah, and this is yours.’ The older stuffs money in my back pocket for all the bread sticks I’ve been giving him until now. 

‘No, Jinyoung-hyung, I can’t take it.’ I try to protest but he’s not listening.

‘You can and you will.’ He’s walking away slowly, not waiting for my answer. 

He’s almost out of the room when I stop him. ‘Hyung?’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘Do you also help other random dongsaengs you meet at food stores?’ I try to keep my face straight while watching his become a little distracted at the sudden question. 

My heart races a bit faster and I’m gripping the plate in my hand tighter, waiting for his response. 

‘No.’ I’m a little taken aback at the straightforward, honest response. I thought he would try to avoid answering. 

‘Then does it mean I’m special?’ I bite my lip. I know I’m pushing it. Why do I love doing that to him so much now?

There is a substantial age gap between us and I usually wouldn’t dare to tease other, older than me people I barely know like that but somehow around him I feel a strange courage accompanied by hot, exhilarating chills down my spine. I can’t hold back my smile any longer.

‘The dishes are waiting for you.’ Ah, there he is – my favourite Jinyoung in his cute, flustered state. I manged to make him like this twice today, I realise, proud.

I go back to my work, when he leaves, with newfound energy, with some even newer fluttering feeling in my chest that is both scary and thrilling at the same time. 

***

I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want Jinyoung to take me home tomorrow afternoon like he promised. I want to be childish and whine that I don’t want to go. I want to stay with him but he asked me to be responsible. Doesn’t being responsible mean pushing aside your wants and doing what you should? 

That’s what it means to me, so no matter how much I want him no further than a single, thin wall away or less from me, I nodded at his statement earlier today with serious expression and thanked him for everything he did for me. I want to become more mature for him. I want to seem older in his eyes, so I lie down alone in the bed in the guest bedroom he prepared for me. 

The bed covers smell nicely of fabric softener, the room is the perfect temperature for sleeping, this bed is way more comfortable than the one in my own room and I don’t have work or classes to wake up for tomorrow yet I can’t sleep. There is a bit too much on my mind and it’s a little bit too complicated to pull together into anything that would make sense. I give up trying to figure it out. 

I stare at the ceiling, covering myself with the duvet tightly in the slightly too big bed, in the slightly too big room. It’s a little too quiet too; no sounds of anyone arguing in the middle of the night or sounds of cars on a busy road. It’s a little too dark too; no comforting orange light seeping into the room from the tall street lamp. 

The only comforting thought is certain dark-haired boy sleeping peacefully in the next room and it’s enough to calm my mind to the point where I’m finally able to fall asleep. 

It’s still really grey rather than bright white in the room when I open my eyes. It takes a while to get back into reality, to remember where I am. I know it’s early and the time on my phone confirms it when I squint at the screen. Only six in the morning. 

I get up anyway and walk sleepily towards the kitchen with the intentions of getting a glass of water to quench my thirst and go back to sleep but there is something about standing in the dark kitchen, waiting for the sun to light it up in silence, alone. 

Not having to rush anywhere, I fill in the coffee making machine with everything it needs and switch it on. I wonder briefly if Jinyoung likes coffee but he must do if he owns a coffee machine and although perfectly clean it looks like it has been used a lot before. Does he like latte or espresso or maybe something else? If I had to guess, probably double espresso, no sugar. 

Waiting for the coffee I lean on the windowsill watching the streets outside. There is a small park in front of the apartment and only then the main street that’s why it’s so quiet here. It’s so serene. I close my eyes, listening to the low murmur of the coffee machine and feeling the first rays of the rising sun on my face. I could really get used to living here. I snap my eyes open at my own thoughts. I shouldn’t imagine such silly thing. It’s Jinyoung’s house and he probably likes living alone and values his peace. I’m only here temporarily. Only until this afternoon. 

I walk towards the fridge, pulling out eggs and butter. I can’t cook like the older but I can make fried eggs at least. The smell immediately reminds me of my mother’s breakfasts in the morning when I was still in high school. She would always rush making breakfast and leave for work as soon as I walked into the kitchen to eat. She was always at the very brink of being late but would still spare some time to make a hot breakfast. 

I put the eggs on a plate and sit in the same place at the table as yesterday, starting to eat. It was a very similar, early morning two years ago when I realised I might be different than what I kept telling myself until then. It was two weeks of school left before the end and I realised I like boys the way I should like girls. 

Before that day it was always just a possibility, something I was too scared to even truly consider, somewhere at the back of my head; whenever it came up to the surface of my thoughts I would push it back down. 

So, it was always with me but that morning I let it openly into my mind. In the empty kitchen eating my breakfast calmly I realised I’m graduating soon, I’m really becoming an adult and I like boys. And the world didn’t stop spinning suddenly and I continued to eat quickly and I went to school as usual because to my strict maths teacher, my long over-due sexual acceptance probably won’t be a convincing excuse for being late. 

And nothing really changed. I didn’t change. The only difference was the acceptance of myself that came with it that was so scary and relieving at the same time. No longer doubting myself. 

I used to tell myself lies and wait for the day my heart finally beats faster for a beautiful girl passing me by in the hallway and not at the sight of my male classmate’s strong arms and pretty, smooth lips. I waited two long years but my heart never skipped a beat because of any of the gorgeous girls in my school and Jeon Jungkook’s lips continued to look as kissable as ever. 

I always pushed those thoughts deep down because it was always so terrifying to think about. Not my sexual orientation itself but the implications of it. My parent’s only son who’s already let down their expectations of becoming an engineer like his father, choosing to study psychology instead. They don’t like it but they love me more so, they’ve accepted it.

I know I can’t disappoint them anymore than I already have. As sad it is to think about, their great love for me has its limits too. No matter if I want to or not, telling them would be like crossing myself out of their lives and that would break me apart as much as it would break them. 

The morning is bright now when I take the empty plate to the sink. I stick my hand under the cold, running water and wait for it to turn warm. 

‘Why are you not in bed?’ the husky voice startles me yet again and my hand clings to my chest on instinct where my heart is racing. It’s the same hand I was checking the water temperature with so now my shirt is wet too. 

‘Don’t scare me like that…’ I whine, breathing deeply to calm my heart.

‘At least you didn’t drop something to the floor this time. That’s a relief.’ He mocks and I cringe internally at the embarrassing situation that happened before in the store. I put the wet, clean plate on the drying rack next to the sink and finally turn to look at him. 

I wanted to tell him to stop reminding me of that slip-up but the words don’t make the short trip from my mind to my lips. 

He looks so adorable, so soft with his messy hair and loose black long-sleeved sweatshirt covering his whole hands so that only the tips of his fingers poke out. Leaning against the wall, in the early morning light; my heart that was slowing down to its normal pace goes back into the high-performance mode. 

‘You even made coffee?’ I look to the black and silver machine, noticing it has finished its job indeed. ‘I thought I told you to rest.’ He comes closer and takes out a blue mug from the cupboard. 

‘I woke up early.’ I stand awkwardly by the sink, taking him all in as secretly as I can. How is he so handsome? Handsome is not even the right word. Just how is he like this? All of it… just how?

‘Are you okay? Is something wrong?’ He gives me a careful look up and down in between pouring in steaming black coffee into the mug. I wonder if that dark blue mug is his favourite but I don’t ask.

I shake my head. ‘I’m fine… It’s just strange. I’m always so busy either working or studying but when I finally have some time to myself I don’t know what to do.’ I admit honestly. 

He nods and hums in understanding. ‘I see.’ He pours two spoons of sugar from the container on the counter and spins around the spoon in perfect circles slowly with his long, slim fingers. I raise my brows a little in surprise. ‘You can do whatever you want. Tomorrow you need to go back to work and you probably have classes this week too but for now rest, eat and feel better. There are books in my room if you want to read or watch the TV in the living room, there are lots of channels but I never watch them anyway.’ 

His words are still a bit raspy from sleep, they sound so nice to my ears. ‘Sure. Thank you, hyung.’ 

I watch him pour some milk into the sweet mixture too before giving one final stir, lifting it all to his lips and taking a careful sip. He closes his eyes for a moment at the taste. I smile to myself. I guess I was wrong about his coffee preference then. 

‘What?’ he asks when he notices my expression. 

‘Nothing.’ I’m smiling lightly.

He rolls his eyes, takes another sip of his drink. ‘Oh, sorry, I forgot to ask if you want coffee too? I’m so used to living by myself and rarely having any guests over…’

‘Yes, please. Two sugars and some ice if you have.’ 

Jinyoung turns to the freezer and pulls out a bag of ice then another mug from the cupboard, this one bright red. 

‘Did you eat anything yet?’ he asks while working on my drink. 

‘Yeah, fried egg. Should I make some for you?’ I ask but without waiting for an answer I finally move from my position by the sink; I open the fridge and take out more eggs, seconds later igniting the stove under the pan. 

I feel his eyes on me so I glance to my right and he’s blinking at me with curious eyes and a small smile. 

‘What?’ I ask, looking back to my job, cracking eggs carefully into the pan.

‘Nothing.’ He repeats in the same tone as mine earlier.

I open the cutlery drawer to get a spatula, remembering it’s there from yesterday when I did the dishes. Our eyes meet for a long second before we start to laugh like two idiots standing side by side in the kitchen. It’s kind of stupid, really childish but it’s so nice.

The adorable sound of Jinyoung’s laugh and the sizzling coming from the pan feels like home. Yet again, I find that the simplest things feel different when he’s around. Whether it’s cleaning or eating or cooking - with him it’s like time slows down, just a little bit. Just enough to notice the beautiful shine in his eyes, the shape of his lips when he’s laughing so freely, the way his slightly curly hair almost falls into his crescent shaped, happy eyes.

Time slows down just enough for me to memorize that precious image in my head but not nearly enough to even begin to wonder why I so desperately want to remember it in the first place.


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love blooms in all kinds of places.

The afternoon spent reading one of Jinyoung’s books sitting on his bed, while he sent some work emails was nice and the ride back to my apartment in his comfortable car, stopping on the way at a store to buy food was nice too. Yet I couldn’t help feeling some slight sadness. Like that type of sadness when you’re coming back home from holidays. Regretful that something amazing has ended a bit too fast. 

I hang the work apron on a rack by the door, I unpack the food and clean the room a little before heading to the shower. I take off the borrowed t-shirt and shorts, making a mental note to wash them and return to Jinyoung later, before stepping under the hot water. Millions of thoughts pass through my mind but I don’t catch any. I let them pass freely, enjoying the relaxing water and the smell of the strawberry shower gel. 

At this point it’s no longer surprising that the black-haired boy is yet again on my mind. With studying and exams, with work and everything else there should be no space for him in my mind but sometimes he’s all I can think about. Everywhere I go there is something that reminds me of him and I feel calmer, safer somehow. How does he have so much power over me when he’s not even here?

There is a message on my phone from Youngjae that I haven’t noticed before saying he’s just found out what happened yesterday and asking if I’m okay. I reply that I’m fine and I’ll tell him everything tomorrow. I hate that he’s worried because of me again...

I study until the evening and go to sleep early like I promised Jinyoung. I lay on the bed for a long while, breathing deeply before I finally fall asleep. That night, I dream of Jinyoung for the first time. It’s kind of confusing that it only happens after knowing him for a while now but the illusion is as clear as if the older boy is really with me, on my bed, really looking that deeply into my eyes. 

When I wake up in the morning I replay it so many times in my mind. The way he kissed the top of my head seemed so real and so was his low whisper promising he will be here with me forever. The dream however ended with cold, empty space on the bed next to me in the morning.

He didn’t keep his promise in the end.

I exhale and get up to get ready for work. Walking into the store, putting on the now slightly dirty and worn out apron, I’m still re-living the dream in my head. I guess my subconscious is just showing me my anxieties and doubts because in the end I caused already so many troubles and inconveniences to the older and he hasn’t even given me his number or anything… What if he never comes back to the store? What if all of this meant nothing to him? What if that bond I saw between us was just one-sided? What if it was an illusion just like that dream last night?

I violently bump into someone on my way to the cash registers. I look up at the handsome face of my other work colleague Jackson. 

‘Woah, you okay, Yugyeom?’ He steadies me, putting his hand on my shoulder when I stumble from the impact. ‘I was about to say hello but you didn’t notice me, I guess. Everything okay?’ 

‘Yeah, sorry, Jackson-hyung. I wasn’t watching where I was going.’ I smile a little but he doesn’t look convinced. Only after a moment he nods.

‘Yugyeom, I want to apologize too.’ He begins in a quieter tone. ‘I guess I judged your relationship with that Park guy wrong. I thought he was… well, it doesn’t matter now because I was wrong and seems you two are friends so, I’m sorry about what I told Youngjae before.’ He looks down and scratches his neck awkwardly. 

I didn’t really expect it but it was probably Youngjae who told him to apologize. Nevertheless, it’s nice to hear it. 

‘Ah… it’s okay. You just made a mistake. It happens.’ I reply honestly. He’s a nice and helpful guy when he’s not goofing around too much or exaggerating the gossips he hears at the store.

‘Okay, great.’ He pats my shoulder twice friendly as he passes to go to the back of the store. ‘See you around, kid.’ I roll my eyes at the last word. He’s only like two or three years older than me, I don’t know exactly.

When I finally reach my usual place, Mr Yoon and a young girl are there. Her eyes are wide but she’s listening to everything the older man says with attention, nodding. 

When I come closer, they both look up at me. I notice the girl is very nervous but even though she smiles a little, bowing to me. Maybe I won’t be the youngest at the store anymore? She looks very young.  

‘Ah, Yugyeom. Unpack stuff onto the shelves then after lunch come back to the registers. We have someone new in training here for the first half of the day. The paper with your schedule is in the back room on the desk.’ He says in a cold, demanding tone.

Without waiting for my answer, he goes back to showing her everything. As I walk away I also hear the owner explaining the situation with the food at the counter. I hope she can do better job with those than I have. 

I sigh to myself. The mean owner is the only thing that always brings my mood down in this place. 

‘Ah, I’m feeling much better,  _thank you for your concern_ , Mr Yoon.’ I mumble to myself under my breath bitterly, walking through an empty frozen food isle towards the back room. 

Everything else here is bearable or actually even nice. The breaks are quite long compared to other workplaces I researched. The rest of the staff is kind and pleasant and I think I have a good friend in Youngjae who brightens up my days here for sure. 

Speaking of Youngjae I hear his cheerful laugh as I enter the corridor in the back of the building where customers are not allowed to go. I wonder why he might be here. He’s usually at the self-check outs, helping people with the stubborn machines but I disregard the thought, turning to the right into an even narrower corridor. This place is really like a maze, I always thought. 

The sight that greets me will surely refuse to leave my head for at least few days, firstly, because of the sheer shock I experience; and secondly, because of the happiness I feel for the older boys once I realise what I’m truly seeing.

 Youngjae is there, that’s not surprising, I heard his laugh from far away but so is Jaebum. 

My instinct is to run but when both pairs of eyes land on me, I freeze. Jaebum has Youngjae against the wall, both of his hands on the blonde boy’s hips, large and strong holding him in place. Youngjae has one of his hands in the other’s black hair and the other hand is holding a fistful of grey uniform material, scrunching it quite badly. 

Their faces are so close and their lips quite swollen and dark red telling stories of intense kissing that I thankfully didn’t have to witness with my own eyes. Even with the shock and surprise at being caught their eyes are so shiny and their lips still haven’t completely abandoned the smiles that were blossoming on their faces seconds before. 

‘Yugyeom… why are you here?’ Youngjae wakes up from the shock first. He coughs awkwardly, drawing his hands back to rest them at his sides, hesitantly. ‘Why are you not on the register?’ 

‘I… I have to do the shelves today.’ I say slowly but I can’t keep a small smile off my face at the way Jaebum blushes and avoids my eyes but keeps his hands where they were before. ‘Look guys, I didn’t see anything, I won’t tell anybody. You are lucky it was me not Mr Yoon. Just maybe next time hide somewhere better than this.’ 

I continue walking past them, not wanting to embarrass them even more. As soon as I’m a decent distance away I hear Youngjae’s nervous giggle and after a second another laughter joins in. 

I too, barely supress an honest laugh. They fit so well together. At first, I didn’t think that way. Jaebum-ssi, even though I only saw him a couple of times, seemed too serious for the sunshine boy but it seems they balance each other out well. 

They give each other a little bit of something that they didn’t quite realise they’ve been missing. It’s nothing less than simply beautiful. 

Unpacking the shelves means I bump into Youngjae-hyung a few times during the day. At first, he avoids me and my eyes, cheeks pink but at break time he appears by my side. I look at him, waiting.

‘Don’t even start. I know, okay?’ He bites into a sandwich.

‘I didn’t say anything.’ I drink my water.

He rolls his eyes. ‘Doesn’t mean you don’t have anything to say because I know you do.’ 

I laugh. ‘I’m just happy for you, hyung. Were you expecting something else? I’m not going to lecture you – you are both adults and older than me so, you know what you’re doing.’ I say calmly watching the other grow anything but calm. He looks at the floor, deep in thought biting his lip. ‘Am I wrong?’

‘No, you’re right. Completely right. Adults, older, wiser.’ He seems like he’s trying to convince himself more than confirming my words. I scrunch my brows at him.

‘Are you okay, hyung?’ I grow worried because of his somewhat nervous reactions and unsure expression.

‘No. No, I’m not.’ He smacks the barely touched ham sandwich on the table with force. ‘What am I doing, Yugyeom? This is crazy. I’m making out with a guy I barely know at the back of a grocery store where I work, for fuck’s sake!’ He panics when he notices his harsh language and looks around if anyone has heard but there is just us, thankfully. 

‘It’s fine, Youngjae-hyung.’ I put my hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. ‘I told you I won’t tell anyone. Nobody will know, don’t worry.’ I speak to him softly but he’s still looking straight ahead, lips open and eyes wide.

It seemed he was so happy with Jaebum-ssi before even though he got scared when I caught them but now it’s like the adrenaline induced high from before has faded and he’s panicking. 

‘I know but it’s just… This is so unlike like me. What is even wrong with me? What if it wasn’t you back then?’ The questions leave his plump lips so fast I barely catch them in time. He looks at me with a puzzled expression. ‘Both him and I could get fired. What’s worse he could have gotten fired because of me!’ 

‘But he didn’t.’ I reason. ‘Breathe, just breathe.’ I now have both of my hands on his shoulders, looking him straight in the eyes, trying to ground him, stop him from losing his mind and bring him back to reality. 

His shoulders, today covered with soft yellow sweater, rise and fall back down slowly under my palms in a nervous breath. 

‘Nothing bad has happened.’ I smile brightly at him, he looks up at me like a lost puppy. He looks so much younger right now, yet as innocent as ever. ‘You’re just in love, hyung. It makes you a little crazy, a little careless, changes you so that sometimes you can’t even recognise yourself but that’s just what it does.’ 

‘Nothing bad. Just in love.’ he repeats slowly after me, eyes still slightly unfocused.

‘Exactly.’ I let go of him, hoping he’s feeling better now and I finally get the chance to bite into my own sandwich. I didn’t realise how hungry I’ve gotten.

‘In love…’ Youngjae muses slowly again, quietly to himself. ‘Oh my god, that’s even worse!’ He suddenly exclaims, looking horrified, his dark brown eyes wide.

I look at him for a short moment and then just burst into a violent laughter fit, which isn’t ideal with a big bite of the sandwich still in my mouth. I cover my lips with my hand so that I don’t spit cheese and lettuce everywhere. I almost choke to death and Youngjae looks like he’s just seen a ghost. That is what Jackson-hyung witnesses as he walks into the staff room seconds later. 

‘Do I even want to know?’ he asks looking from me to the older and back again.

I wish I could explain this somehow but I’m currently having difficulty breathing properly. This time Jackson will just have to wait. 

***

The day couldn’t end without a lecture from Youngjae regarding my fainting accident. Of course, only when he’s finally accepted that he might be, just a tiny bit in love with Jaebum-ssi, that is. 

I smile to myself on the ride home, watching the lights of the city - always so restless unlike the tired faces of the people on the bus, coming home from work or school. 

Every night the city lights will appear, always so pretty, so alive, just like love that will always bloom quietly even in the most hopeless of places. Just like those bright lights out there, love will always be out there too. Day or night, light or dark, people will fall in and out of love countless times. 

The wind is chilly when I step out of the warm bus. I wrap my long arms around my torso to protect myself from it. It’s useless and I feel so cold. I walk slowly towards the tall building. The night falls quicker with every day since winter is approaching. I should save some money for a warmer jacket. My cheeks feel like ice when I lock the door behind me and switch on the light in the room. 

I expect it to be empty and perfectly silent and it is empty and silent but also really cold just like the weather outside. I switch on the heating and pour water into the electric kettle. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow’s day packed with lectures but I look forward to my first work payment the day after tomorrow. Finally. 

I lean heavily on the kitchen counter and close my tired eyes, listening to the loud noise from the ancient kettle. This is the independent, adult life I’ve dreamed of and the sad realisation that even though money doesn’t buy happiness, it buys food and pays bills and will dress you in a winter jacket that will stop you from freezing to death. 

I bring the tea and noodles I heated up to the table and dig in. It was a weird day. I know I should study but I’m too tired, weird ideas and way too deep thoughts about life swirling in my head, so after the food I shower and fall onto my bed almost falling asleep immediately. 

With the last bit of consciousness, I wriggle out of my grey sweatpants, not leaving the bed and fall asleep with just a t-shirt and boxers on, folding the purple duvet underneath me into a roughly pillow-shaped thing. 

I don’t dream of anything that night and even if I do, I don’t remember anything the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is quite 2jae heavy but it's nice I think.   
> There won't be so much in the next chapters though...  
> Any 2jae shippers here? :) x


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I'm just missing you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written so much of this story already  
> and edited most of it so I'm giving you a lot to read hahah  
> This chapter is shorter though. x

‘So, when are we going out, boys?’ BamBam asks excitedly after the first two lectures of the day. 

I shrug my shoulders, pressing my hand to my mouth to hide a yawn. Mark doesn’t say anything either. 

‘Hey. What’s up with you guys?’ The Thai boy looks to his right to me then to his left to the oldest. 

‘Maybe we should leave it until after the exams, Bam.’ I suggest quietly. ‘There’ll be a long break for Christmas.’ 

‘Oh, c’mon now. We always keep saying later. After this, after that and never go anywhere. There will be exams after Christmas too and in the spring and we’ll never go.’ He complains, the pitch of his voice getting higher as he speaks. 

‘Yugyeom is right. The Christmas break will be a better time to go out than now.’ Mark agrees.

‘Ah… you guys are so not fun. I will ask Taehyung-hyung then. He’s always down for a good time. Maybe he’ll lend me some Gucci for the night.’

Mark rolls his eyes and tries not to snicker. ‘I doubt he will. Last time you went to his house party you spilled Sprite all over his shirt, don’t you remember?’ Mark, who was sober as usual was the witness that night. I was tipsy but with strange clarity I too, can recall the appalled look on the rich architecture student’s face. 

‘Oh…’ BamBam pales a little at that. ‘That was Taehyung-hyung? Damn it.’ 

‘You don’t remember?’ I rise my brows. It didn’t seem to me like he was that drunk then.

He runs a hand through his brown-dyed hair, exhaling loudly. ‘I remember spilling Sprite on someone but after that it’s a blur. My mind has probably blocked out the memory to spare me the painful thought of losing my only chance to ever wear Gucci.’ He concludes sadly.

Mark and I snort out loud. 

‘Not to mention, Hoseok hyung wasn’t too happy either since that bottle of Sprite was the last one and he looked at you with narrowed eyes every time he took a sip of his vodka which he had to mix with coke instead.’ I add to his misery. 

‘Thanks, guys. It’s nice to know I have good friends to remind me how much of a failure I am.’ He shakes his head but his tone is light and friendly. 

‘You also have good friends to drag you away from the party before Taehyung makes you return him big money you don’t have for his ruined shirt and Hoseok makes you run to the closest convenience store to buy more Sprite.’ Mark replies, the subtle sass ever present in his voice. I high-five the American above BamBam’s head, who just gives up and laughs at the whole conversation. 

I smile so wide, I don’t even feel that tired anymore. We enter the class and take our usual seats at the back. Even before the lecture begins I know I won’t remember much of it later. The letters on the bright screen dance around and I rest my head on my arms folded on the table. Who thought it’s a good idea to have two-hour lecture at six in the evening?

***

I shouldn’t miss him. He’s just an acquaintance. Not really a friend, not a stranger either.  Why should I miss him? Why should I think so much? However, it seems my brain’s new hobby is thinking about Jinyoung in its spare time. Without my permission, may I add. Rude.

I haven’t seen him in four days. I look at the door whenever I hear it open and each time it’s not him. Maybe it’s just me worrying if he’s okay. Maybe it’s the fear that my dream has foreshadowed the future, regardless whether I believe in such things or not. I don’t. 

Yet, I feel strange. I miss him. Fine, I admit, I miss him so much it drives me crazy. Who the hell he thinks he is? Making a space for himself in my life so sneakily then leaving as if my heart is just a trashy hotel room for a few, convenient nights. 

‘No, sir. All the food you see here is very delicious but also really, unnecessarily expensive, so you probably won’t end up buying it. My job is to recommend it to you with a sweet smile but you know what? I don’t really give a fuck today.’ I stare blankly at the young man before me. 

For a moment I can’t believe those words have left my mouth but his shocked expression confirms the reality to me. Before I can apologize, his expression changes to a small smirk and a raised brow. 

‘A sharp tongue behind those charming lips.’ He sounds impressed, looking intensely up at me. ‘Maybe I should come here more often.’ 

He takes his shopping and walks out. I get one, last glimpse at a pair of distressed jeans, grey beanie and mint coloured hair sticking from under it, before he disappears. 

Well, that was a response I didn’t expect. I look around to check Mr Yoon hasn’t seen me. Why do I keep doing stupid things that could get me fired? What and when has changed? I don’t recognise myself. 

Why did you have to walk in through that door that day, Jinyoung? 

With sweet bitterness and stupidly fast beating heart, I realise I can’t be mad at him even if I try. If he walks in through that door now, I will still blush like the fool that I am and wait for the hard stare and the witty comment. I will bite my lip not to smile, I will press my arms to my sides, I’ll put my hands into my jean pockets not to reach out and hug him. 

I stand in the middle of the street, the sound of one of the other workers closing the shop behind me; chains chiming and keys being turned many times in a heavy lock. 

I pull out my phone from my pocket. I press on the right contact and wait until I hear the dial sound. One… Two…

‘Hello?’

‘Hi, Bam. Listen, what do you say we go out tonight?’

Fresh shower, fresh clothes, fresh mint vodka shots hitting exactly where they need to and I feel alive. The cheapest night club in the poshest area of the city with its crazy fluorescent lights and deafening bass will be my heaven for tonight. 

BamBam’s plush pink lips split in a wide smile on the dancefloor. A drink I bought him in his right hand and pretty girl’s hip in his left. It’s beautiful to watch. His shiny, burgundy shirt may not be Gucci but the way it fits him is like it was made just for him; one button too many open, revealing his collarbones. 

I swallow another shot, press my credit card to the reader, just recently, hard-earned money slipping away before my eyes but all I do is smile at the bartender who winks at me. She’s so kind and pretty. I hope she finds someone to treat her the way she deserves. 

I head to the dancefloor. It’s been too long but my body remembers those days like it was yesterday. Those days when silly dreams of becoming a professional dancer seemed so reachable. Before everything got so messed up. It was so easy once. As soon as I find a relatively empty spot in the crowd, my hips remember better than my useless brain ever could. The music carries me like a wave, the alcohol helps to swim even easier in the sea of hot bodies. 

My black shirt tucked into my tight black jeans, silver hair perfectly styled, lips glistening with just the right amount of gloss, black eyeliner outlining my sharp eyes and it’s like I went four years back in time. 

Moving to the smooth, sensual music more and more daringly, forgetting everything, blissfully unaware of a pair of eyes watching me curiously from across the room.


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Help me forget.

Everything’s great. 

The vodka shots taste sweeter in my mouth as the night goes on. To the point, where I almost believe they’re my remedy, curing me slowly from the inside. The cute bartender looks prettier as the night goes on too. To the point, where I almost believe I could love her one day; if I get regular doses of the soothing medicine she’s serving, maybe her warm embrace could be almost enough to be happy. 

‘Mark is missing out, man!’ BamBam shouts in my ear, forgetting about the honorifics towards our oldest friend in his hazy state. 

‘We asked.’ I shout back with bitterness. ‘His loss.’

Even in the half-dark room, I notice the curious expression on my friend’s face. 

‘You seem different tonight. Everything okay?’ 

I think for a second. Is everything okay? ‘It’s perfect.’ I smile sweetly down at the older boy. ‘And the blonde girl behind you has been looking not so subtly at you all night.’ I add with a smirk, winking. He turns around and the girl tries to hide her smile behind her glass, happy he finally noticed her. 

When he leaves to talk to her, I’m left alone. Unfortunately, not for long. I turn around in the direction of the dance floor - it has been calling me to come back ever since I returned to the bar but someone is standing in the way. Unmistakeable mint colour hair, no beanie this time, the light jeans now swapped for what seems like their black, twin sibling. All that’s left the same is the smirk and piercing eyes.

‘Didn’t expect to see you here.’ He says without a trace of surprise.

‘You.’ I narrow my eyes at him, wondering where I’ve seen him before until the memory comes back to my clouded brain. He’s the one I cursed at in the shop.

‘I prefer Suga.’ 

I laugh. ‘Suga? What kind of name is that?’ 

He tilts his head to the side and his hard expression melts into a drunk, gummy smile. ‘It’s a nickname, idiot.’ 

I roll my eyes. Of course, I’m not that drunk or stupid to think that it’s his actual name. ‘We just met, you’re not allowed to call me that. Rude.’ I joke and he looks at me so intensely, leaning against the bar.

‘Fine. Am I allowed to buy you a drink at least…um…?’ He asks and prompts me to tell him my name. 

‘Yugyeom, and yes, a drink is allowed.’ 

He signalises the bartender with such ease, without any words and she nods like she knows exactly what to do. He must come here often. The lights play on his face and his ridiculously green hair while he downs his drink, eyes not leaving mine even for a second. It doesn’t look like he even blinked once then. 

I like that. Keep those eyes on me.

I copy him, the smooth liquid hitting my throat, familiar burn on my tongue. I place the glass on the bar table with a thud that can’t be heard because of the loud music. I get closer to him, leaning down slightly to half-whisper, half-shout into his ear.

‘So, Suga… are those lips are as sweet as that nickname?’ I move away slightly to see his reaction but before I can look at him properly he grips the front of my shirt, dragging me away to a darker corner.

His lips make me lose the track of time, lose the track of my own thoughts and it’s exactly what I want for the moment. For the moment, his lips are warm on mine and the alcohol is warm in my stomach and my skin is warm under his touch. It’s almost perfect. 

It’s nearly four in the morning when BamBam and I stumble on the empty streets, trying to find a bus stop. ‘Where the hell are we? I swear we’ve passed this shop like twice?’ The Thai points to a closed now, clothes store. 

I giggle drunkenly. ‘I have no clue, Bam.’ I stumble yet again and he catches me in time to save me but we both fall onto the window display of the said shop. Our eyes meet for a long second before we both burst into a violent fit of laughter, the couple passing us by in the dark night is giving us a weird stare. 

‘I fucking wish you were a girl sometimes you know.’ BamBam slurs when he finally stops laughing. We continue walking into a random direction. ‘And liked me.’

‘We would be so perfect, right?’ 

‘The fucking cutest.’ He sounds so convinced and holds out his hand for me to take. I grab it with a stupidly wide smile and drag him to where I think a bus stop should be but if not, I’m giving up soon and calling a taxi, I promise myself.

‘Thanks for tonight, Yugyeomie. I love you.’ He swings our hands like those two little girls I see walking to the primary school near my house in the morning sometimes, leaving their gossiping mothers far behind. I laugh, feeling so young, so carefree. 

‘I love you too, Bamie. Always.’ 

We end up almost falling asleep in a taxi on the way home because all the bus stops seemed to have magically disappeared all of a sudden. My tired legs rest in the comfortable car, my friend resting his head on my shoulder. I make sure BamBam gets home safe, the drunker of us two and then I get to my own home, stumbling on the way few times too many.

I just want to sleep. I just want to not come home to an empty bed, not to feel so alone in a crowd of people, not to hate the way Suga’s skin was too pale, so alike my own when I looked down at our intertwined hands. 

Although his warmth and passion felt good and managed to distract me enough for the moment I had to separate from him. It just didn’t feel right. 

***

The next morning is cruelly bright. The sun swallows the whole room through the bare window - curtains I regretfully haven’t closed last night. What have I done for you to hate me so much, sun?

I get up but my mind stays asleep for another ten minutes until I finally pack my books in my bag and realise I need to get ready for lectures. Coffee is a drink sent by God, I realise yet again, swallowing painkillers with the dark, bitter liquid. 

I didn’t even think BamBam would turn up at all today but he stands before me and Mark with his hair messy, two different shoes on his feet and black sunglasses on his nose. 

Mark laughs at the sight. ‘I guess you had nice time last night, Bam.’ The oldest muses. 

‘Oh, it was wild. It was all worth it.’ He smiles, rubbing at his temples to try and soothe the pain. 

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ I ask worried. 

‘Oh, yeah. I’m alright, just feel a little bit like the death itself and kind of hungry too because I had no time for breakfast.’ He mumbles. 

‘C’mon then, hyung will buy you some food.’ Mark puts an arm around his shoulders and we all head towards the cafeteria. 

‘You’re an angel.’ BamBam leans a little into him.

‘Hey, did you already forget who bought you drinks last night?’ I ask, faking being hurt.

‘I haven’t forgotten anything, dear friend. My memory is as clear as a crystal glass.’ He replies snaking his arm around my waist. ‘Now come on guys and feed me as promised.’

We walk through the campus in this strangely attached formation with BamBam in the middle, actually using us a little bit as a support to lean on and to drag himself towards the food. 

In the momentary silence, I remember something from last night. ‘Clear as a crystal glass, Bam?’ Mark looks curiously at me and BamBam nods once, weakly. ‘So, you remember getting up on the stage and dancing to Red Velvet with the drag queen that was performing later that night?’ 

Mark falls into a full-blown fit of laughter, almost falling to the floor. People that don’t know us are looking at us like we’re insane. Those that know us though, just walk past like it’s the most normal thing in the world. 

‘Evidence or it didn’t happen.’ The Thai boy tries desperately. 

I pull my phone out of my pocket, holding it up in triumph. Mark’s eyes go wide, the silent question on his face without him needing to voice it.

‘You bet.’ I answer with a proud smile.

Mark’s rare but so adorable laughter echoes in the almost empty hallway. I join in but then quickly cover my mouth with my hand because we’re already so loud so early in the morning. 

BamBam just groans. Then sighs. Then groans again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! x  
> There was no Jingyeom in this  
> so I'm posting 2 chapters again.


	11. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I wonder where all these ideas   
> for fanfics come to me from...  
> I don't know haha but this fic is very  
> inspired by my own experiences like   
> studying psychology and being confused   
> with life haha
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy as always! Thank you   
> for kudos and comments so so much :)

I do the afternoon shift today and I’m so bored on my break without Youngjae. It’s raining outside, so not many customers are in the store and those that rush in, running away from the rain are all grumpy and wet. It’s a heavy rain too. I’m not looking forward to going home in this weather. I must stop on the way at the bank as well to send rent money to the home owner. I hope it stops by the time I leave today. I look at the clock – just two more hours to go. 

Nine o’clock finally strikes and I put on my jacket, looking out the window. The rain is as heavy as it was before. I sigh and walk out the store planning to run towards the bus stop at full speed. 

‘Yugyeom.’ My heart stops and my hand freezes on the handle. No. It’s not happening. I moved on. I don’t want to hear that voice. 

I cured myself from the Jinyoung disease. 

‘Yugyeom…?’ I still don’t look in his direction. I know he’s standing under the store roof to my left but I walk away without saying anything. I step away from under the roof that was my only shelter and into the rain but I’m not running like I planned before. I feel the droplets soaking into my clothes already. 

‘Hey! What are you doing?’ Jinyoung grabs onto my arm, stopping me. I pull away from him roughly but stop and turn facing him in the middle of the street. People are rushing by with their umbrellas and I stare down at him through the rain. ‘It’s pouring, let’s hide somewhere.’ He raises his voice but I’m not moving.

‘I don’t care. You can run and hide just like you’ve been doing until now.’ I watch for a moment how his hair is getting soaked and droplets of water slide down his cheeks and lips like tears. I turn around and continue walking. 

‘Please, stop.’ He sounds insistent and slightly desperate and I’m weak so I obey him. ‘I’m sorry if I did something wrong, okay?’ I turn back to him again after hearing his words.

‘No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Why do you say that? There’s nothing between us, you have your life, I have mine. We’re not friends, you don’t have to act like you care, checking up on me from time to time in case I make an idiot of myself again. I don’t need your help.’ I look down from his confused eyes. Maybe I’m too emotional, maybe I’m irrational too but I missed him so much and after this long he just comes up to me like nothing happened. 

Maybe I was too naïve hoping for  _something_. Wanting something to be between us. ‘I don’t need anything. Go hide from the rain, you’ll get sick.’ I finish weakly.

‘I don’t care if you don’t.’ He’s soaked. He brings his hand up to his hair running it through his black strands and I hate myself for being unable to look away. 

‘What do you want?’ 

‘Yugyeom…’ he starts but I stop him. 

‘Answer me, hyung. If there is nothing then I’m sorry but I have a bus to catch.’ I point towards the direction where the bus I should be getting on right now has stopped to let the passengers on. 

He rolls his eyes, then sighs, looking slightly guilty now though. ‘I wanted to see you, okay? I was waiting here to surprise you but I understand that you’re upset with me. I disappeared suddenly for a few days.’ “Five long days”, I say in my mind, pressing my lips into a thin line. ‘I’m sorry. I should have given you my number, I should have called. I really don’t want to lose the friendship we have.’ 

I raise my brows. ‘The friendship we have? None of my friends have ever disappeared for five whole days without letting me know if they’re even alive or asking if I’m alive too. I don’t think it’s a friendship.’ 

‘What if I want it to be a friendship?’ 

It’s my turn to roll my eyes at him, annoyed. I walk towards the bus stop, leaving him behind. The bus I was supposed to get on has left already so I have to wait for another. He doesn’t try to stop me this time but I hear steps closely behind me. He’s stubborn that’s for sure. I sit my wet bottom, and wet everything else really, on the small bench under the roof. Jinyoung sits right next to me without a word, equally wet. 

We don’t speak to each other even though I feel his eyes on my face and hear his exaggerated exhales from time to time. The bus arrives and I get on. He follows me inside. People are looking at us strangely since we’re truly dripping water onto the floor but they look away quickly; the weather is truly unforgiving today. When I sit down, Jinyoung sits right next to me too. I want to laugh and cry at the same time, helplessly. This is ridiculous. 

I run my hand through my hair, trying to squeeze some of the water out of it, so it doesn’t drip down my face anymore. I accidently meet eyes with the older. I sigh.

‘First, you’re kidnapping me, taking to your house and now you’re stalking and following me to my own home. I should report you to the police.’ I state. I watch the tiny drops of water on his black, long eyelashes. He’s gotten even more handsome over the five days or maybe it’s something about him all wet like that. Or maybe I missed him that much. I’m not sure about anything anymore.

Small smile spreads on those round, pink lips, crinkles in the corners of his eyes making themselves visible again. ‘Are you going to?’ 

‘I don’t know yet.’ I try to reply nonchalantly, turning away from him to look out the window but my voice sounds too soft and a deep blush is spreading on my cheeks that I’m sure the other can see. 

I have to bite my lip to stop the smile that’s forcing its way onto my mouth. I know he’s still looking. I missed his eyes on me too. I missed the feeling of my whole body growing hot under that gaze. Only his eyes can do that to me, I realise. Only he has that power. 

I’m weirdly happy, giddy almost, watching the city through the window; wet, uncomfortable clothes sticking to me, Jinyoung sitting so close so that I can feel his heat where our arms touch. 

This is all stupid. We’re both idiots and all of this is incredibly idiotic too. 

***

‘Are you coming inside or not?’ I hold the door to my home open, ready to come in but he just stands there. 

‘Can I?’ He asks carefully. It really looks like he’s sorry. He has some explaining to do, I guess but I can’t stay mad at him. I just can’t, no matter how much I want to, how much I should. 

‘Yes.’ He waits for me to say something more. ‘You’re all wet, it’s freezing cold and you’re far from home, it’s late and you need a hot shower otherwise you’ll really catch a cold.’ “And I really want you to come in and stay with me for a bit”, I add in my mind, too scared to say it out loud. 

‘Thank you.’ He finally moves from that one spot on the pavement and comes in, while I hold the door open for him. 

‘You being an idiot doesn’t mean I forgot what you did for me before, hyung.’ I say casually, turning on the lights and taking off my jacket. I’m met with a stare I don’t know how to interpret but he doesn’t say anything. 

I head for my wardrobe to get him some dry clothes. I notice he looks around the place. I wonder what he’s thinking. I’m suddenly very glad I cleaned the space recently. Everything in the room is new and it has been refurbished recently before I moved in so it’s all modern and functional. Maybe it’s a little strange that the kitchen is combined with a bedroom and a living room altogether but it’s all I could afford. It’s fine, really. The only thing is that it’s just very small. Sometimes it feels like living in a large, carboard box. 

‘Take this.’ I pass him a set of my own clothes and a towel. ‘Here’s the bathroom, you can take a shower, hyung.’ He accepts the things with a small nod. I open the only other door except the front entry to the small bathroom for him. 

When he’s gone, I switch on the kettle for some tea. I take off the heavy, uncomfortable sweater that begins to drive me crazy. I would take off my pants too if I was alone but I’m not. 

I’m not alone here today. It hits me suddenly and it feels strange. Like it shouldn’t be that big of a deal – I’m just having a guest over for a few hours, but somehow, it’s also like everything I need. 

I hear the door open when I’m checking what is there to eat in the fridge. There is a lot inside for a change but I have no idea what to put together. 

‘You can shower now, I’ll take care of the food.’ The older suggests coming closer. I straighten up and nod. I shut the fridge door, smiling a little at one of my favourite t-shirts on Jinyoung’s wide shoulders. I think back to the white t-shirt and shorts belonging to the man standing before me, washed and nicely folded in my wardrobe. I could have easily given them back to him to wear now. Of course, I could but I really wanted to see him in my clothes. Is that such a sin?

His eyes widen a little when he looks at me properly and I realise I’m half naked in front of him. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the sweater off but it was just so itchy, wet and annoying. 

‘Right. Shower.’ I dash for the bathroom quickly, grabbing any random set of clothes on the way. I get a small glance at him before I shut the door after myself and he’s still looking at me with expression I’ve never seen on him before and I can’t quite describe it. I don’t want to overanalyse it because my brain will just make up a scenario that I want to believe in, not the reality. Studying psychology can sometimes be a bad thing. It rips away the pink curtain, removes the blissful ignorance you naively have when it comes to judging human behaviour. 

When I walk out of the bathroom, wearing proper clothes now, the whole space smells of food, sounds of something frying and I follow the beautiful sounds to find Jinyoung making kimchi jjigae and fried pork. I look over his shoulder to see golden pieces of meat in the pan. 

‘Is that okay?’ He asks when I just stand behind him, looking down not saying a word. 

‘Perfect.’ I take my tea with both hands since it got a bit cooler when I was in the shower and move away to give him more space. ‘You’re a great cook, hyung.’ I admit, impressed.

He doesn’t say anything but I can see he’s happy with the compliment in his own, slightly emotionally restrained way. I feel like I can read him so well now. He doesn’t show his feelings so openly but I learn the subtle signs and if I got it right he likes being complimented too. 

‘Why are you so good at everything?’ I ask softly, waiting for a reaction. 

He smiles instinctively but then quickly narrows his eyes at me. ‘What exactly am I so good at?’ 

‘Everything.’ I shrug my shoulders, watching him curiously.

He rolls his eyes and goes back to his task but his movements change. He’s stirring the soup more carefully, he gets another spoon and tastes it, adds some seasoning, tastes again. 

Maybe I’m imagining all this. Maybe I’m trying to figure him out since he seemed like a closed book to me when we first saw each other. Maybe I so desperately want to know what he thinks of me, of all this. I just want to be sure of something when it comes to us two for once but he doesn’t reveal anything.

Of course, the food is delicious, the silence is comfortable yet I’m longing for something. I have a strange feeling like it’s just a beginning, like it’s a breaking point. It can go either way. I don’t even know what I meant by that “it” myself. 

‘I’ll wash the dishes.’ Jinyoung offers when we’re both full, getting up from the table. 

‘You don’t need to, hyung. You cooked and you’re the guest.’ I try to take the dirty plates from his hands but he doesn’t let me take them. I open my mouth to say something but he walks quickly to the sink and turns on hot water. 

‘You washed the dishes in my house, I can wash your dishes in yours.’ He replies nonchalantly, squeezing a generous amount of washing liquid onto the sponge. 

‘You’re acting weird.’ I state after a moment of thought. ‘You know… I’m not angry at you anymore, you can stop trying to make it up to me.’  

He raises his brows glancing at me but quickly turns back around and continues to wash. ‘I…’ it seems he doesn’t really know how to respond. It’s like he has no excuse for his own behaviour and can’t explain why he’s acting different. 

Am I the reason for his change? My heart jumps in my chest once. Could it be true? I hate giving myself fake hope but I want it so badly. I want it so badly because people change for those they care about, for those they love… 

I shouldn’t torture myself like this.

‘If you want to help so badly, you can dry while I wash.’ He adds when I’m still standing there and now he’s almost back to his old self. In some way it’s safer; without knowing he saves me from dangerous thoughts, from unrealistic hopes and I take a deep breath. 

I don’t want to take something that’s good and simple and turn it into something unnecessarily complicated. 

I take a tea towel and stand by his side, drying the first plate carefully. Breathing, being with Jinyoung is so easy like this without complicating it, without changing it yet something feels off. I want  _more_ , I realise and it’s kind of scary, more so because I’ve continually wanted more ever since I saw him first. 

I put down the plate I’ve been drying for longer than necessary turning to him abruptly. With suddenly found confidence, I demand. ‘Hyung, stay.’ 

He looks at me surprised, a frying pan along with his hands are covered in soap bubbles in the sink. ‘Stay? Am I going somewhere?’ 

‘I mean…’ the courage disappears as fast as it has appeared. ‘Tonight. Here.’ I stutter looking down, avoiding his eyes. Why did I have to open my mouth in the first place? ‘Please, stay here tonight.’ I manage to put everything together finally into a coherent sentence and whisper it to the black tiles on the floor. 

I hear him switch off the tap. I’m too nervous to look back up. ‘Why?’ he almost whispers. 

‘It’s really late and…’ I finally look up and he’s waiting patiently, eyes a little wider in curiosity. ‘…your jacket and shoes are still wet.’ I wish I could have told him the truth but it was too terrifying, too heavy in my mind, I couldn’t get those words past my throat. 

I watch him stand there, in that tiny, badly lit kitchen - so pristine in my eyes, so strong; something so very masculine about him despite his soft features. 

For a moment I wish he would reject the offer. Just so that I can bury myself under the covers when he leaves and whine about being an idiot for an hour and finish off the rest of the strawberry ice cream that’s in the freezer then finally fall asleep and hopefully never wake up again. 

‘Okay.’ When the older responds abruptly after a long moment, I’m so lost in his eyes, the sound barely registers in my brain. ‘I’ll stay.’ He clarifies when I’m just emptily blinking at him.

‘Ah, fine, okay.’ I nod quickly and go back to drying dishes before my pale cheeks start showing a bright shade of pink. ‘Good.’ 

The water is soon running from the tap again and the pan is finally getting washed. 


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleeping prince.

What have I brought upon myself? Why did I think it would be a good idea? 

‘For the third and final time, you’re not sleeping on the floor, Yugyeom.’ He rips the spare pillow and blanket away from my hands. 

‘But I’m really fine, hyung.’ 

‘Just stop speaking right now.’ He replies sternly throwing the things back on the bed. I don’t argue anymore, I feel a hot shiver at his raised voice. Is that normal? ‘It’s your bed, why should you sleep on the floor?’

‘I just…  I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.’ 

‘As if it’s my first time I’m in a bed with a guy, c’mon now.’ He starts and it takes me aback for a moment. Maybe he just phrased it like that or maybe it’s just me. It’s probably how late it is and how tired I am and how pretty he looks in the orange light in the room. He clears his throat. Maybe he noticed my long stare. ‘As long as you keep to your own side of the bed, we’ll be fine.’ 

I nod two times and get under the covers before he thinks I’m weird, which I wouldn’t really blame him for, and decides to leave. He hesitantly walks towards the bed and switches off the only source of light coming from the lamp next to the bed. When the darkness falls onto the room, I only hear him climbing into the bed now. The mattress dips a bit under the weight; it seems like I feel everything with increased sensitivity. 

I feel him getting comfortable under the spare purple blanket because he refused the duvet too. I worry for a moment he’ll be too cold under there but I don’t say anything. I don’t want to disturb the mood. It’s peaceful but there is something heavy in the air too – not something uncomfortable or annoying, just something I can’t put my finger on. 

I still can’t believe a random customer who has entered the store one day is lying in my bed next to me. Yet the more I think about it it’s like the moment I saw him something was telling me he wasn’t just a regular customer. Maybe I really didn’t want him to be just that and maybe, just maybe he didn’t want me to be a shop assistant he never sees again. 

Maybe. 

When my eyes adjust to the dark and the room doesn’t look so black anymore, I can see Jinyoung’s silhouette and it reminds me of that dream. The memories of the illusion fill my mind and I know I won’t be able to fall asleep now. 

Will he no longer be there when I wake up just like in that dream? My eyes are wide open and my thoughts are having a rave in my head.

‘Hyung, where were you for the last five days?’

I wait for a sign he’s still awake. A small exhale. ‘I...’

‘Sorry, for asking so abruptly. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. It’s not my business what you do in your - ‘

‘I was signing a contract. Lyrics I wrote will be used for a song.’ 

‘Ah.’ I feel a bit ashamed. He was working. It’s not like he was just sitting at home and ignoring my existence. I close my eyes, feeling a little uneasy but somehow also better now that I know where he was. ‘Congratulations, hyung. That’s really cool.’ I reply honestly into the darkness between us. I imagine him in a suit, signing a document, small, professional smile on his lips and I smile too. 

‘Sleep, Yugyeom.’ 

I do fall asleep after some time and wake up very early in the morning. It’s still quite grey in the room and I know it’s not time to get up yet without looking at a clock. I glance to the side and now I see his features so clearly, sleeping so peacefully yet he wrapped himself so tightly around the blanket like it’s his lifeline and safety. Maybe he was cold before he fell asleep. 

I sit up carefully and very slowly, inch by inch take off the blanket off him. I try not to look too long at his smooth skin that’s showing where his t-shirt has ridden up his body in his sleep. In the place of the thin blanket, I place my own, warm duvet and wrap it carefully around him as best as I can without waking him. He’s deeply asleep though, still in the same position on his side, lips slightly parted and hair falling into his eyes. 

I lay back down, wrap the blanket around myself and watch him like this wondering when I’ll be able to see this kind of sight again. Just in case the answer is never, I continue looking until my eyes have no energy to stay open anymore, giving up on the pretty sight before them. 

Someone is shaking my shoulder. I mumble, asking them to stop, it’s annoying. ‘Yugyeom.’ The voice sounds familiar but my foggy brain doesn’t even try to figure out who it could be. ‘Yugyeom! Get up. It’s seven o’clock. Are you not going to work today?’ 

I finally open my eyes. Jinyoung is standing there with hands on his hips, looking down at me. ‘Work… Yes, probably.’ I go back to sleep.

‘C’mon. I made coffee and sandwiches.’ He rips the blanket off me like a plaster. It hurts the same. It’s cold.

He pulls at my arms and drags me for a moment. I give in and I finally get up with a small whine. He still has his hands locked on my wrists but when we’re standing face to face next to the bed, he lets go. I look at him for a second before closing my eyes again and wrapping my arms around his neck, resting my head on his shoulder. 

Being so sleepy is almost like being drunk. I lean on him and exhale loudly. He feels so strong supporting my weight easily and smells nice too, the last notes of my green apple shower gel still lingering on his skin with the addition of something else. Something so sweet and musky and very inviting. It’s pulling me in.

‘Yugyeom?’ the voice is curious and uncertain but so low and purely sexy in my ear. 

‘Hyung…’ I half purr, half whine in response. ‘You haven’t disappeared.’ I add with relief.

‘Disappeared?’ There is a hand on my waist now, only one but very warm, almost burning me through my top and he’s not pushing me away either. 

‘In my dream you were gone in the morning.’ I mumble the dream I had some time ago into his shoulder, not really explaining anything. Another hand joins the first one on my back and he pulls me closer, maybe only a millimetre closer but still closer and my eyes suddenly flash open. 

As if only waking up from the sleep right now, I jump away from him with red cheeks and big brown eyes wide. In my hazy, sleepy state I just latched onto him like that without a warning. Oh, God, I’m such a mess. 

‘I’m sorry, hyung! I’m not fully awake yet… I didn’t mean to… um.’ I stand there awkwardly trying to find some appropriate words, but he just laughs. 

He laughs then covers his mouth with his hand but continues to laugh. It’s so unexpected and beautiful, I kind of want to take his hand away, I want to watch that pretty laugh in its fullness.

‘You’re adorable.’ He just states when he finally stops laughing and walks towards the kitchen area, still smiling. ‘Come and eat breakfast.’ 

I follow him, not quite knowing what just happened and how to interpret it but the smell of fresh coffee and food is enough to distract me from any other thoughts. 

The food is as delicious as always even when it’s just simple sandwiches and the coffee wakes me up from the haze, my cheeks slowly turn back to their usual colour yet I still feel strange. I glance at Jinyoung from time to time, chewing thoughtfully. He looks like he belongs to the home although he’s been here just one night. It’s all so new, these feelings I’ve never had before all coming up when he’s around and it’s dangerous to be getting used to his presence like that; to feel that comfortable with the unidentified thing we have between us. My eyes look for his face in the crowd, my hand itch to reach out and touch him. It’s chaotic yet serene. How?

‘What time do you start work?’ He sips his overly sweet, milky coffee.

‘Eight.’ 

‘I’ll get the bus with you. I left my car in the store’s parking lot.’ 

I smile at him from across the table. ‘Sure.’ 

Maybe I’m a mess but Jinyoung is my comfort zone where I can be myself and I know he’ll sent a hard glare now and then but I also know deep down he doesn’t really mind anything I do. 


	13. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daydreaming of You.

‘Have a nice day, hyung.’ I wish him as we part ways in front of the store. 

‘Yugyeom, wait.’ I turn back around, wrapping my arms around myself to protect myself from the cold and strong wind. 

He takes out his phone, hanging the plastic bag containing his clothes that I’ve returned to him, on his wrist.

‘Yeah?’ I squint my eyes at him. I’m starting to tear up because of the windy weather and want to get inside as soon as possible. 

‘Can I have your number?’ 

I blink a few times and smile at him not saying anything. I watch the way the wind messes up the hair he spent five minutes fixing earlier in the silver-framed mirror next to my bed. Now tears are almost escaping my eyes and Jinyoung is looking at me awaiting, a little surprised at my reaction but calm, his hand outstretched towards me holding his phone. 

I take the device from him. I put in my number and after a second of thought I save my name as “Yugyeomie<3” just to tease him. I smile widely, looking at the letters on the screen, no longer feeling so cold standing there with him. 

When I hand it back he looks at the screen for a long moment but then just sighs and shakes his head, putting it back into his pocket. 

‘Thanks. For everything.’ He replies seriously before he takes two small steps walking backwards. I nod once. 

He looks so handsome in this terrible autumn weather, in his black denim jacket and boots and my black t-shirt and slightly too long big dark grey sweatpants. I wish he didn’t look this good and even more so I wish he wouldn’t leave yet but my lips stay sealed and my hands hang by my sides. 

When he disappears behind the corner, I feel cold again. I have this sudden urge to run after him, to hug him like I did this morning. An illusion of a perfect moment projects itself in my mind: this time not half-asleep but fully awake and fully aware of his body next to mine and his hands on my back; taking responsibility of the words that leave my mouth, stuttering a little nervously. 

‘Jinyoung-hyung? I think I’m falling in love with you... and I have no idea what to do.’ I whisper to the silence around me, closing my eyes, imagining he’s right here. 

But he’s not and the harsh wind steals my quiet words and carries them far away.

Truly, it doesn’t matter that he can’t hear them right now; doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know that I realised all this at this exact moment. Maybe I will never be able to say it to him in reality either but it’s fine. He might not feel the same way towards me and that’s fine too because it still won’t change my feelings. 

Maybe it’s not even love at all. How can I know what it is? All I know for sure is that it’s good and pure, makes me feel weirdly calm and assured. 

I walk into the store and the warm air hits my face. It brings me back to reality from something that I was almost losing myself in. 

The first few hours of the day are relatively calm before it unexpectedly gets busier than ever. I try to deal with as many customers as quick as possible but the queue line is just getting longer until the manager orders the new girl to serve at the register next to mine. I saw her sometimes doing training and other small jobs but she hasn't properly started until now. 

She looks nervous I notice, being thrown into deep water, her hands hanging in the air, unsure while her eyes shake nervously looking all over the screen for the right buttons to press. She glances occasionally to my side in silent panic she tries to hide and I give her a reassuring smile. 

‘If you’re having any problems, call me over.’ 

The petite girl, Hyunjin – her name tag informs me, looks up at me with big, deer eyes. Something very warm appears in the darkness of those orbs and I realise it’s relief mixed with appreciation. She exhales nodding firmly. 

I turn back to the customer who’s finished unpacking their items by now. 

‘That’ll be 15,000 won sir.’ I hear her voice to my right – sweet but also more importantly quite confident. She’ll be fine. 

In the afternoon, I return from my break regretfully. The shop is still as busy as before. Is there some sale I’m not aware of? Everyone in the staff room was surprised too yet no one had a clue why could the store could be so popular suddenly. Maybe it’s just such a randomly busy day.

‘Hey, hyung.’ I greet the blonde boy walking past me.

‘Hi.’ He smiles and takes a long look at me. ‘You look better.’ 

‘Better? How?’ I narrow my eyes at him. 

He shrugs his shoulders a little. ‘I don’t know. Healthier and happier, I suppose.’ 

I think about it for a second. I’ve been eating better recently. ‘Maybe I’ve put on some weight.’ 

The other laughs shortly. ‘Sure. That’s probably it.’ It sounds like it’s not what he was talking about at all but decided to let it go for now. ‘Ah, before I forget. Jin-hyung said a friend was looking for you earlier when you were on your break. Jin-hyung offered the guy to fetch you for him but to he refused, saying it’s nothing important and he will come back another time.’ 

A friend? Why would BamBam come here when he can just call? It can’t be Mark since he lives so far away… but maybe. Jinyoung? It is possible it was him - Jin-hyung wouldn’t know him since he only started to work here few days ago. 

‘Ah, okay. It was probably my friend Bam. Thanks, hyung.’ I reply casually and he nods, walking away.

I only manage to turn around, not even taking a single step forward when I’m met with Mr Yoon right in front of me. I stand frozen. This man will give me a heart attack one day, appearing out of nowhere and that’s how my sad life will come to a pathetic end. 

‘Yugyeom!’ He exclaims, unusually wide smile on his face. It seems slightly too big, almost creepy but still genuine. ‘Just the guy I’m looking for.’ 

Normally at that sentence I would be scared but the smile is confusing. 

‘Me?’

‘Yes you, unless is there another Yugyeom working in my store that I’m unaware of?’ He asks rhetorically, the smile getting somewhat wider. ‘Tell me boy, you and Park-ssi have become acquainted… become quite close, right?’ He looks expectantly at me.

I swallow anxiously. Where is this conversation going?

‘Um… yes. I…’ My voice gets lower unintentionally. ‘Is it against the rules to befriend a customer?’ I ask cautiously.

He puts his hand on my shoulder, shaking his head with vigour. I begin to feel a little uncomfortable with the closeness. ‘Ah, no. Of course, it isn’t, my son. I would just like to know… how is he doing lately?’

I open my mouth and close it, unsure. ‘He’s doing well, I suppose. We’re not actually that close.’ 

‘I see, I see.’ He moves away but still remains pretty close to me. ‘That’s good to hear. Well, if you see him, tell him  _hello_  and wish him good health from me.’ He thinks for a moment then adds. ‘Such polite, fair man, our dearest Park-ssi.’ He mumbles to himself as he moves further away from me. 

‘Now, I won’t stop you anymore, my boy. So many customers today, so busy.’ He starts to walk away, looking around the full store, rubbing his hands together. 

I stand there, confused. What is going on today? I take a deep breath, realising I probably won’t understand anyway no matter how much I think about it so I just go back to work instead. 

When the clock shows the end of my shift, I take off the apron that’s even uglier now when it’s in a desperate need of washing. I put it into my back pack to sort out at home since all the employees are responsible for their own aprons. 

On the bus, I text BamBam asking what he needed from me today. When I hear the sharp notification sound, I open his message expecting something trivial or just him complaining that he doesn’t see me often enough. Yet what I see on the screen is a short sentence saying that he hasn’t been to the store today. 

I narrow my eyes, becoming slowly confused. I sent a text to Mark too, asking whether by chance he hasn’t come in to my work place today. I’m almost home when he finally replies that last night he’s left to visit his parents who live outside town. 

I enter my home and throw the phone on the bed, switching the heating on. If it wasn’t BamBam or Mark, then it could only be Jinyoung… It’s a bit strange since he said he’ll be busy today but maybe he stopped by on his way back. I can’t ask him though since he has my number but I don’t have his. It’ll have to wait until later. 

After I finish some hot, comforting leftover soup, I lay on my bed, trying to study. I cover myself with the purple blanket carelessly since it’s still a bit chilly in the room but I push the soft material away after a moment. It smells like Jinyoung. It’s distracting. My thoughts are nowhere near where they should be – memorising term definitions for my exam on social cognition. Instead, they swirl around a much more dangerous topic – wondering what it would be like to smell this enticing scent directly on its owner _… Smooth, sweetly smelling skin under my fingertips, under my lips. Short, rushed breaths in my ear..._

A tiny wave of warm, teasing pleasure somewhere very low down my belly wakes me up from the daydream. This really is not the time. I need to focus. I grab the duvet and wrap it around myself in the place of the blanket. I groan in frustration when it smells just the same. 

With an impatient huff, I get up from the bed, grab my textbooks and sit at the dining table. The distracting scent is now gone but the very image I tried so desperately to get away from is still fresh in my mind. The scene is displaying in my head like a film and damn, Park Jinyoung is an exceptional actor. Those sounds in my imagination; when I close my eyes it’s as if he’s right there. The warm wave in my stomach is getting stronger, reaching even up to my cheeks. 

I bite on my bottom lip hard and ball my hands into fists on top of the glass table.

Curse my overactive imagination. Curse the hormones flowing through my body but most of all curse Park Jinyoung for smelling too good. 


	14. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Studying, Songs and Babies.

A day before an exam. The last day to study and also a free day from work and lectures to spend only on studying. And studying I am but the noise coming from the neighbours doesn’t aid my concertation. I stick headphones in my ears and continue; the music coming through the speakers is still better than the raised voices and baby’s cries. 

Yet it’s been almost two hours now and when I remove the headphones, the noise is still there. I start to worry something bad is really going on there. I look at the clock on the wall, which shows four in the afternoon and putting on my trainers and a hoodie on top of my t-shirt I leave the house. 

Standing at the door step, the noise is about the same. I raise my fist to knock, seeing no doorbell. 

After a minute of loud knocking the black door finally opens revealing a tired woman, maybe in her thirties but the tiredness on her face making her look older. A tiny baby girl around few months old, crying loudly in her arms. 

‘I’m sorry, I don’t want to disturb. I’m your neighbour and I’m trying to study for my exams right now…’ I begin shyly at the sight of the mother’s red, glossy eyes and the baby’s equally tired and upset face. 

‘I’m so sorry for the noise. She’s ill and won’t stop crying. I don’t know what to do anymore, she hasn’t slept for two nights now. She’s been to the doctor, taking her medicine but there’s no change.’ She apologises, desperately bouncing the baby lightly in her arms to try and calm her down unsuccessfully. 

I open my mouth to reply but before I can do that, a middle-aged man which seems to be her husband appears and passes us leaving the house. 

‘Where are you going now?! It’s so easy to just leave, huh?! Leave me alone with everything as always! She’s your daughter too, you know!’ the woman shouts after him angrily, eyes full of tears but he doesn’t listen nor stops to even look back at her. I look at the floor, feeling bad and awkward.

‘I’m so sorry, again.’ She starts but I interrupt her. 

‘Don’t worry. I understand you’re going through a hard time.’ The tears are threating to leave her tired eyes and my heart hurts at the sight. I look to the baby who’s still crying but a tiny bit less now. ‘Is there anything I can help you with perhaps?’ 

She sighs and shakes her head. ‘No… I shouldn’t ask you, you said you’re studying for an exam.’ 

‘I’m taking a break right now. What can I do for you?’ I ask confidently, my eyes not leaving hers even for a second. 

She doesn’t say anything for a moment, then gently lifts the corners of her mouth, almost unnoticeable movement. She moves to the side to let me into the house. I walk in and look around. It’s messy, toys and baby stuff splayed everywhere but it’s not dirty. It’s understandable in the situation. 

‘I would appreciate it so much if you look after Mina for ten minutes. I haven’t even had a chance to shower since yesterday morning. My husband… as you see is not much of a help. I promise I’ll hurry up. Just ten minutes.’ 

‘Take your time. Mina will be okay with me.’ I try to assure although I’m not sure at all. Yet she smiles a little in return, already handing the baby girl to me. I take her carefully into my arms and press her to my chest. My hands support her little weight instinctively. I look down at her red, wet from tears cheeks and she stares back with wide, curious eyes. 

The door to the small bathroom closes and it’s quiet for a moment. For a moment Mina stares at me confused but it doesn’t last long. Just as the sound of rushing water in the shower fills the silence, a loud cry accompanies it. Tears flow from the tiny chocolate brown eyes and I begin to panic. 

I rock her gently in my arms, pressing her closer to my chest but it doesn’t help much. Even though I don’t stop, I just sway from side to side slowly, standing by the window and looking outside. The baby grips at my t-shirt with all the strength inside the tiny body. I look down at her, briefly wondering if she’s in pain or just very upset, wiping the overflowing tears with my thumb. 

Surprisingly she starts to quiet down soon, my white t-shirt still clenched strongly in the small fist but eyes now closed, only whimpering slightly but taking deep, tired breaths.

I take a deep breath too, relieved. 

I put her in her cot, gently placing a pink blanket over her little form and watch her sleep for a moment. The sound of the rushing water in the shower stops suddenly and while I wait for her mother to come back, I pick up the toys off the floor and put them neatly in one place and fold the blankets strewn around the room. Then I wash up the dishes in the sink. I’m drying the last plate and putting it on top of the counter with the others when door to the bathroom opens. 

‘She’s fallen asleep.’ I whisper standing there, folding the green tea towel in my hands, finished with my job. 

The woman looks at me with wide eyes, then walks towards the wooden cot and looks down at her daughter then back at me. ‘She’s really asleep.’ She says in disbelief and smiles.

‘Hopefully she has a long, good nap.’ I say lightly, smiling back. ‘I should get going.’ 

‘Thank you so much, I feel much better now after the shower and Mina’s asleep… I don’t know how you’ve done that, you must be an angel.’ 

I laugh a little and shake my head. ‘Just your neighbour – Yugyeom. I’m not usually home much except late in the evenings but if you need help again, I live at number 5, downstairs.’ 

‘Thank you. Thank you so much.’ She gives me a hug. 

I walk back home with a smile on my lips, feeling a little happier that I could help someone even a little. It seems adult life is not only hard for me. 

Just when I close the door to my flat behind me I get a message. It’s from an unknown number and the only thing in the message is a link to a website. I’m hesitant to click it without knowing what it is and who from but soon another message follows the first one. 

“The reason I was away for a few days. - Jinyoung.”

I click on the link immediately and a video starts playing. A sweet yet fast melody sounds and words appear on the screen. I don’t recognise the voice singing but it sounds nice. I realise it must be the song for which Jinyoung has written lyrics. 

I sit on my bed, listening with the volume high. It starts of quite cute describing carefree time with someone you’re really close to but soon the mood changes a little, the beat getting more aggressive and the artist begins singing faster with more emotion; I notice the lyrics describe a love that turned out to be an illusion. I concentrate on the words. 

_“_ I trusted you, I jumped into this

But passion is not always love.

I let you wreck me then break me,

Late at night,

Recording room or

King-sized bed,

I hit those high notes all the same just for you.”

I pause the song for a moment, thinking about what I just heard. 

The lyrics are really good and brave, daring. Angry too. Completely surprising. I can’t be sure if it’s based on Jinyoung’s real experience or if it’s just a scenario, a type of love and relationship he imagined but if it’s real it sounds like serious heartbreak. I’m so curious but I decide maybe I shouldn’t ask him about it yet. Maybe he’s not ready to talk about it with me. I press play again.

_“_ You taught me a lesson baby,

I took notes, I’ve learned.

Now I know how not to fall in love; 

I’ve worked hard on the homework just to please you

Like the teacher’s pet I am. _”_

The song changes a little again by the end, it sounds more like acceptance. The love and heartbreak were a lesson and it seems like it was something that has taught Jinyoung or the person in the song to be more careful and mature in the future. It ends more positively, seeming like the heartbreak was a good thing in the end and they were just not meant to be together. 

_“_ There was no love from the start

It had no right to work. 

I’m glad you’ve found the right one for you 

And ripped away the blindfold from my eyes.”

It’s alright darling, don’t worry because

The hurt was just what I needed from you;

I’ll find the right one for me one day too. _”_

The last few lines of the song are what catches my attention the most though. It seems Jinyoung is talking about someone new in the life of the main character of the song. I smile a little at the happier ending. 

_“_ What’s pushing me further away from you 

Is pulling me so much closer to him.

It’s not surprising he’s everything you never were

And never could be for me.”

When the song ends I replay it a few times more, strange mix of confusion and curiosity and pride at the lyrics my hyung has written. Whatever is behind the words, they’re impressive and beautiful and fit with the melody and the voice of the artist incredibly well. 

I save the previously unknown number as “My Jinyoung-hyung” after removing the heart I added at the end at first, thinking it might be going too far and giving myself false hopes every time I see his name on my screen. 

“You’re very talented, hyung. You write incredible lyrics just like I knew you would.” I send the text and wait for his response. In the meantime, I get up from my bed and sit at the table, opening my textbooks again. 

I notice there is silence. Real, peaceful silence in the house. I smile, realising the baby must be sleeping still. My phone rings with a message. It just says  _thank you._  Nothing more but it makes me so happy. 

“I’m the one who’s thankful that you showed me your work.” I text back.

This time the reply comes quicker. “Aren’t you at work now? Are you allowed to use your phone?”

“I’m off work today and no lectures either but I’m studying all day for my exam tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry for disturbing you then. I hope your studying is going well.”

“I was taking a break anyway, don’t need to apologize hyung. And honestly… it’s not going all that well but I’m trying my best.” I sigh at the sad truth of my message. 

There is no response from Jinyoung for some time and I concentrate on the paragraph in front of my eyes. The words make sense, but I feel like I’ve forgotten everything as soon as I’ve moved onto the next part. 

Another message. I shift my eyes from the page to the phone and read a long message from the older. “I have a friend who’s studying psychology too. He’s doing his doctorate degree, he’s really smart so he could give you advice with taking exams or explain something you don’t understand. I’ll give him your number and he’ll call you soon. I won’t disturb you anymore, so you can talk to him and concentrate on studying.”

I’m a little surprised but also touched at how much he cares for me to even bother his friend to call me. I feel bad. Maybe the friend has plans or something. I’m about to text Jinyoung with my concerns but an unknown number lights up my screen. Too late I guess. 

I pick up quickly. ‘Hello?’

‘Hi. Is this Kim Yugyeom?’ A bright yet deep male voice asks. 

‘Yeah that’s me, hi.’ I greet shyly.

There is a tiny chuckle on the other side. ‘I’m Kim Namjoon, Jinyoung’s friend. So, you’re in your final year, right? Stressed about the exams?’ 

‘Yeah…’ I sigh into the device. ‘I’m pretty sure I failed the first exam, so I’m scared. It’s not like I don’t study because I do but in the exams my head goes blank and I don’t even know how to begin. The final year is so much harder than the first two.’ I explain. ‘Also, another problem is this one theory, I just don’t understand it at all.’

‘That happens. It really happens to a lot of smart people I know but there are a few things you can do. Also, I can explain the theory to you.’ I breathe a little relieved  _thank you_  into the device in my hand. 

A sudden thought comes to my head though. ‘Namjoon-ssi, I hope I’m not disturbing you and taking your free time –‘ I begin, worried but he interrupts me.

‘Don’t worry, I have time.’ He assures me. ‘Besides, you see Jinyoung has done so much for me in the past and I owe him a lot. He’s never asked for anything even though I owe him like a million of favours by now, so I’m happy I can help his friend.’ There is a little pause but before I can reply anything he continues in a slightly softer, curious voice. ‘I was a little surprised when he said he needs a favour though. All this time he’s never asked for even the smallest thing. I guess he must really care for you and want to help you.’ 

I blush a little at the words. Am I really that special to Jinyoung? I smile letting myself hope that it’s the way Namjoon-ssi sees it. My heart races in my chest at the thought. 

‘I…’ I begin but I don’t know what to reply to the other boy. After a short silence I hear another chuckle from him. 

‘Okay, Yugyeom, let’s do it this way: switch your phone to loudspeaker and put it down, so you can make notes. We’ll go through everything from the beginning.’ 

I follow his instructions quickly, opening my notebook to a new page, ready to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long with this story...  
> I have a vague idea how to progress it and finish it  
> but I have so many other works to write too idk why  
> I take so much at one time.   
> Anyway, enjoy! xx


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